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In Heartfelt Dedication To Ann Coulter

And with profuse apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning

By David Podvin

How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

I hate thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, with the insatiable malice that accompanies seeing a ghoul malign war widows. Were my hatred for thee a planet, it would surely be Jupiter.

I hate thee freely, with all the bile in my spleen, and never more than when subjected to thy literary sewage that scorns the virtuous and assails the innocent. For this thou hast become Heroine To The Stupid, an icon amongst those whose knuckles do so drag. I hate them as purely and passionately as I hate thee, with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life!  

Mine is not a fickle hatred or an ephemeral flight of fancy. It shall defy mortality, transcending my own demise to become ambient. After I depart these earthly bounds, listen closely as the summer breeze cools thy fascist flesh and thou shalt hear my voice whispering, “I hate thee enormously.” 

During the dead of winter, as the wind accosts thy reactionary ears so deaf to logic and freezes thy meager brain so impervious to reason, thou shalt experience the sense that I am saying, “Now I hate thee even more, assuming it is somehow possible to exceed the maximum level of hatred thou hast previously inspired.”

In the end times, when the universe collapses upon itself and all is darkness and all is stillness and seemingly nothing remains, a singular reality shall persevere. That indestructible force is my hatred for thee. Not unlike thy mouth, it is vaster than infinity. And it shall endure beyond forever.

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009