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President Bush described his judicial
nominee as being from the “Scalia mold”

By David Podvin
Staff Writer
June 11, 2005

WASHINGTON DC By a vote of 58-42, the Senate has confirmed Dr. Josef Mengele to a seat on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. President Bush expressed deep satisfaction with the outcome, saying, “I just wanted to prove that I can get anyone confirmed.”

Despite the wide margin of the vote, Senate debate was often intense. “The Democrat complaint against this nominee is that he sadistically mutilated defenseless living beings while conducting insane research experiments,” said Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN). “And your point is what?”

“This provocative nomination sorely tempts me to invoke the filibuster,” declared Robert Byrd (D-WV). “However, those of us who revere the institution of the Senate must honor the bipartisan compromise, even though it means losing our freedom and becoming enslaved by fascists.”

“I pose the same highly relevant question about every nominee: Is he gay?” stated Rick Santorum (R-PA). “As a reactionary yet very effeminate man, I am somewhat paranoid about being identified as gay, so I go to the opposite extreme and seek to persecute all homosexuals. I believe that a vote to confirm Dr. Mengele furthers this pathetic, self-loathing agenda of mine.”

“I want to emphasize that my support for Dr. Mengele in no way indicates that I favor turning the United States into the Fourth Reich,” asserted Mary Landrieu (D-LA). “What it does indicate is that I possess a pathological compulsion to stab my loyal constituents in the back.”

“I invoke the Priscilla Owen standard. Since someone with her views has been confirmed, Dr. Mengele should sail right through,” insisted Orrin Hatch (R-UT). “So why are the liberals raising such a stink? I can sum up their demagogic objections in three words: hatred of white people.”

“This nominee is a Nazi!” thundered Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “He is a sociopath! He is a torturer! He is a murderer! What’s more, he’s dead, and has been for quite some time! I could go on and on, but I’m afraid these facts are likely to convince more of my colleagues that he is the ideal judge.”

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009