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By David Podvin

As all decent Americans instinctively realize, the moral underpinning of our wonderful Judeo Christian culture is the systematic persecution of homosexuals. This is the very essence of the traditional family unit – academic studies have proven beyond any reasonable doubt that absent the unifying factor of homophobia, the average American family completely falls apart. The reason is painfully obvious: when the societal taboo against homosexuality is lifted, men who have been heterosexual immediately forsake women in order to gain the ecstasy that can only come from sleeping with each other.

In the Scandinavian nations where homosexual marriage is legal, throngs of gorgeous busty blonds now stand forlornly on street corners yelling to male passersby, “Fuck me! Please fuck me!!” Heartbreakingly, there are no takers. The male preference to fornicate with other men is just too strong, and as a result the population of Scandinavia is plummeting. There used to be about nine million Swedes, but subsequent to the legalization of sodomite marriage, the birth rate in Sweden has declined to zero. Today, there are fewer than ten thousand Swedish citizens.

That is the compelling reason why, from the very beginning of the United States, gay people have always been persecuted, and rightfully so. The Founding Fathers showed great wisdom in understanding that freedom and justice for all can only take a country so far – treating gay people like crap is the indispensable glue that holds a society together. Take away the glue and what do you have left?

As a general rule, you have an empty bottle of glue. However, in this case, you also have a nation headed straight for the shithouse. America has been blessed by God precisely because men have had marital sex with women and extramarital sex with other women. Once that changes, don’t plan on going outside without being pelted by locusts and gnats and all other manner of creepy biblical stuff. If you think global warming is an inconvenience, just wait until the clouds open and you find yourself crotch deep in frogs.

Marriage is the one thing that humanity has gotten right, yet now we are supposed to throw it all away so George Michael can marry Boy George and in the process presumably become George George?

Rather than ripping a hole in the Constitution the size of Rosie O’Donnell, we should close the loophole in existing law that allows for the abomination of gay men marrying lesbian women. There is no conceivable good that society can derive from such a mutated mating except the promotion of the homosexual agenda to turn America into some sort of pastel paradise for perverts.

It is a little known fact that, when crafting the Bill Of Rights, Thomas Jefferson specifically sought to include a prohibition of the gay man/lesbian woman betrothal. Unfortunately, that mincing fruit James Madison got his panties in a bunch and as a result our stomachs churn every time we have to witness the sham marriage of John and Theresa Kerry.

Vermont. Massachusetts.  California. Oregon. Washington. What do these states have in common? They are each in the vanguard of the gay marriage movement, and they each voted for Al Gore in 2000. These are the congenital liar states, the states that claim to have “invented the Internet”. By contrast, there is the wholesome red state of Wyoming – no gay marriage movement to be seen there. As a matter of fact, since that Matthew Sheppard thing, gays are not seen there at all.

And that is the point. No one hates homosexuals – it is homosexuality that is revolting. There is no problem as long as gays hide their gayness so those of us who are virtuous don’t have it shoved in our faces to the point where we want to conduct a lynching.

Be gay. Just don’t have gay sex. Or even act gay.

The less often gays draw attention to themselves in public, the better it will be for everyone involved. Things will go much more smoothly if homosexuals just tone down the provocative nature of their flamboyant attire. The Village People had the right idea: whenever gay men who hold white collar jobs feel absolutely compelled to show up for work dressed as cowboys, they should be considerate enough to wear something under their assless chaps. Is this too much to ask?

If homosexuals need to blow off a little steam occasionally by flaunting their perversion in front of normal folks, they should at least have the class to limit their depravity to lipstick lesbian kisses like the one between Madonna and Britney Spears. Of course, such behavior is morally reprehensible, completely indefensible, and permanently corrosive to the virtue of our children, but it does have the partial saving grace of being incredibly exciting.

By contrast, who in the hell wants to witness Nathan Lane making out with Richard Simmons?  I mean, for the love of God, even a yelping pinko sissy like Howard Dean couldn’t want to see that!

America is a tolerant country and that’s the way we all like it, but let’s not push the envelope. Things were already spinning out of control even before the gays started demanding special rights. It is bad enough that most of the better-looking women are married to Hollywood moguls whose forefathers murdered our Lord and Savior.

During slave times, blacks were not allowed to wed each other – these days, you can’t turn around without some Rastafarian trying to elope with your underage daughter. This is what you call the “slippery slope”: first, you stop forcing them to harvest cotton, and the next thing you know your grandchildren all look exactly like Buckwheat.

Now the gays want to get married. What’s next? Marrying multiple partners? Marrying sheep? How about marrying vegetables?

“Here’s my husband. I call him ‘Art’ because he is literally an artichoke.”

Heaven forfend that anyone would be intolerant enough to object or even look askance. You can almost hear the far left now: “Just exactly what do you have against indigenous green leafy vegetables, you genocidal Zionazi?” I have nothing against vegetables, except for asparagus tips, because as a bible-believing heterosexual man with aspirations of going to heaven, I’ll be damned if I’m going to put something shaped like that in my mouth.

There is a solution to this gay marriage problem that satisfies everyone of good will - if homosexuals are truly sincere about wanting to get married, they should be allowed to do so, but only after one of the gay partners undergoes a sex change operation. Anyone who disputes the practicality of this approach merely needs to look across the Atlantic at the highly successful marriage of Dennis Thatcher and lovely his wife Brutus, or “Margaret”, as he/she is now known the world over.

If most gays claim that one little surgical procedure is too much of a hassle, it will prove they have created this hubbub as a malicious prank just to gross out the rest of us. After having been exposed as hateful frauds, homosexuals can then return in shame to their appropriate role as America’s scapegoats…only this time without bitching about it. Once the natural order of things has been restored, holy matrimony will again be the exclusive domain of the heterosexual community that has always shown such reverence for it.

As O.J. Simpson sagely observed, “Marriage is sacred institution – a bond between a man and his wife. Allowing gays to get married would kill that special bond.”


Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009