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1/11/04


 

A MODEST PROPOSAL

Sorry, Jonathan.

By David Podvin

Iraq is coming apart at the seams. The ancient land of the Tigris and the Euphrates has recently been plunged into anarchy. The country is now being terrorized by brutal gangs of hoodlums who roam the streets, raping and pillaging as they go. It is heartbreaking to witness such savagery, especially since there is no way of knowing what happened last year that suddenly transformed Iraq from a functioning nation into a cesspool of mob rule.

Personally, I suspect the communists.

In any event, the people of Iraq are obviously in need of moral guidance. And thanks to the selfless folks at the American Petroleum Institute who were kind enough to author our current energy policy free of charge, the people of the United States are in need of more oil.

The Iraqis have what we need. And we have what they need: American conservatives happen to be the most moral human beings who have ever lived, the ideal role models on which to base a righteous society.

No, really – they are. Just ask them.

I propose a trade. In exchange for being allowed to import oil on the cheap, we will export to Iraq every registered Republican in America. As added incentive, I will throw in Zell Miller. With all that piety suddenly at their disposal, Iraqis will soon be rescued from the depravity that currently afflicts their tormented nation. Under the wise guidance of our conservative expatriates, beleaguered sheepherders living in mud huts will have their problems solved through that most compassionate of human acts: the elimination of taxes on capital gains.

If the Iraqis inexplicably refuse to trade their oil for the privilege of having bible-believing Republicans teach them right from wrong, my fallback position embodies the very essence of Judeo-Christian philanthropy: we will send all our conservatives to Iraq without demanding anything in return. The Iraqis will not even be expected to thank us, which is probably just as well, because I’m guessing they won’t.

But they really should. Think of how happy the peasants will be when they are governed by the essential decency of Tom DeLay combined with the infinite wisdom of Laura Schlessinger. Gone will be the trees that pollute the air and the endangered species that blight the countryside. Poverty and hunger will be eliminated through a private sector program of faith-based benign neglect. And the right to pray in school will be forever preserved; when Iraqi parents find out which prayers Franklin Graham has students reciting, the looks on their faces are going to be just priceless.

The people of Iraq will savor the advantages of prolonged exposure to conservative culture. Their music will be enhanced by the nuanced stylings of Ted Nugent, while their cinema will enjoy a renaissance powered by directors’ cuts of all the greatest Chuck Norris films. And never again will they experience boredom because Drew Carey appeals to both the intellect and the funny bone with his endlessly witty putdowns of fat women who wear too much make-up.

Sarcastic liberals will doubtlessly respond by wondering whether the constitutional prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment applies to foreign policy. Haven’t war-weary Iraqis suffered enough, leftists will snicker, without being subjected to the George W. Bush action figure? It is just this type of snotty attitude that explains why “progressives” are destined to smolder eternally in hell like generic brand charcoal briquettes.

As a result of our generosity, America will experience tremendous hardship here at home. When this nation is without conservatives, expect to see an immediate depression in the pornography industry, which will suddenly find itself bereft of both actors and consumers. There will also be massive unemployment among psychiatrists, prison guards, and male prostitutes, who will find their services are no longer in demand. Gaming revenues in Las Vegas will decline because no one will be betting on pro wrestling anymore. The crayon industry will go bankrupt. And the Betty Ford Center will look like a ghost town.

Five vacancies will have to be filled on the Supreme Court; since President Dean won’t have any strict constructionists from whom to choose, we will have to endure Chief Justice Mario Cuomo.

Corporate America will need new leadership, which means…General Motors Chairman Michael Moore.

The National Rifle Association will become the National Incense Association and change its motto from “Cop Killer Bullets Are What’s Right With America!” to  “Follow Your Bliss!”

It will be safe for the women of Sacramento to take off their chest protectors.

Gay people will serve openly in the military, but since we will no longer be conquering the rest of the world, there won’t be anyone for them to fight.

America without right wingers will somehow seem inadequate, kind of like the Beatles without Pete Best. However, true patriots must be willing to make the sacrifice. I will deeply miss my conservative friends. Well, I would deeply miss my conservative friends if I had any, but I reluctantly stopped inviting Republicans to my house because the cost of constantly replacing the silverware became prohibitive.

In the final analysis, America’s loss will be Iraq’s gain. The Cradle of Civilization will soon benefit from the healing warmth that can only exist in the presence of Newt Gingrich. And if for some strange reason the Iraqis ever get nostalgic for the sadism of Saddam, they will find comfort in being surrounded by the same virtuous Republicans who armed and funded the Butcher of Baghdad.

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series

 


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