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By David Podvin

Not a day passes without conservatives condemning our beloved United States of America. For decades, they have constantly claimed that this great nation is morally weak, or militarily inadequate, or deficient in one way or another. Such a tidal wave of right wing anti-Americanism is enough to make patriotic liberals shed a tear as we pledge allegiance to the Stars and Stripes we so dearly love.

What is it about personal liberty and free enterprise and a nation built on the divine principles of Jesus Christ that provokes Republicans to spew such disparaging venom? How do right wingers feel justified in forever badmouthing the finest country the world has ever known? Why do conservatives hate America?

There is an answer, but attaining that answer requires summoning the strength to deal with a subject that has long been taboo in our society. It is finally time for us to address a forbidden yet well-documented truth: all conservatives are gay.

Just as reactionaries in the fifteenth century took exception to the discovery that the Earth was not flat, there will doubtlessly be a hysterical reaction to the scientifically verified fact that all Republicans crave intra-gender sex. However, objective truth can never be altered by effeminate hissyfits. It is a clinically proven fact that all conservatives are gay, not unlike the fact that trees cause smog or the fact that tax cuts for the rich always generate more revenue than they dissipate.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being homosexual. Far from being deviant, it is natural behavior for tens of millions of wonderful Americans. In fact, some of the finest people in this country are gay. However, those admirable folks are openly gay, true to themselves in a way that allows them to function as rational, patriotic citizens who are a tremendous benefit to our splendid democracy within a republic.

All of the psychiatric literature reveals that it is Barely Repressed Homosexuality (clinically known as “BRH”) that causes severe problems on a personal and societal level. The research clearly demonstrates that people who are unable to acknowledge their own true nature become internally conflicted and suffer from self-loathing that inevitably evolves into hatred of America. These are the people who represent a threat to the well being of our precious land. They are the ones who must be excluded from the military in order to allow for unit cohesion. They are the ones who must never, ever be left alone with small children, especially young boys. They are the ones who threaten the very future of our country with their perverse behavior.

They are conservatives.

It is not with any sense of glee that I open the closet door on the entire right wing movement. I know that, for people in denial, the truth can be excruciatingly painful, and they invariably will lash out in self-incriminating rage. Please believe me when I assert that the last thing I would ever do is intentionally inflict emotional distress on sensitive people who consign pregnant women with third trimester complications to die at the altar of the fetus.

However, as our most recent non-BRH president said, “It all depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is.” Truer words were never spoken, which is exactly what you would expect from a man of honor like the Man From Hope. And here is the true – if grammatically incorrect - condition of every single Republican: “If you is conservative, you is BRH”. This is not casual theory, it is immutable logic: You can’t have a fire without a spark, and you can’t become conservative without the catalytic emotional trauma that accompanies Barely Repressed Homosexuality.

Whenever the experts discuss BRH, the first name that always arises is Ronald Wilson Reagan. We are all familiar with the reports from Iceland that the only stumbling block to a comprehensive arms limitation agreement was Reagan’s insistence that the pact be written on pink paper using pink ink, which made the treaty entirely illegible. And then there is the reality that his son became an extremely heterosexual ballet dancer, continuing the centuries old Reagan family tradition in which successive generations of males alternate between being straight and being gay. Simply put, RWR was BRH…not that there is anything wrong with that.

It was, however, wrong for him to repress his feelings by twice marrying wives who had boyish bodies. The denial of his true love – reported to be John Wayne – coincided with Reagan apparently suffering a nervous breakdown that led him to re-register as a Republican. In a classic example of the BRH phenomenon, the Gipper’s self-loathing grew into hatred for all things American, which finally explains his motive for supporting supply side economics and the Strategic Defense Initiative.

BRH also explains why conservatives loathe President Clinton, a heroic national treasure who presided over eight years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. One word says it all: heterosexual. The strikingly handsome Arkansan exudes a confident air of alpha male heterosexuality that leaves intimidated Republicans impotently limp-wristed.

You may be familiar with the concept of hating someone you desperately want because you know the feeling is not mutual. Conservatives know all too well. The primal fury with which Tom DeLay and Charles Krauthammer and Dennis Miller and Sean Hannity and G. Gordon Liddy continue to attack the great man can now easily be understood – it is unrequited lust.

BRH also explains why conservative women desire/despise Hillary.

The reason BRH is not reported to the general public is that repressed homosexuals rule the world (especially Malaysia). For example, there is a prominent network television news division that is rumored to hire only those who are BRH-positive. This organization has a well-deserved reputation for being extremely vindictive, so instead of directly revealing its identity, I will be content to let them report and you decide.

The heterosexual majority that favors universal health care and gun control must determine what to do now that we possess realistic insight into why people listen to Rush Limbaugh, attend stock car races, and hunt bunny rabbits with assault weapons. On that last point, we are dealing with a group of orange clad conservatives secluded in the woods holding phallic symbols that “discharge”? You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to figure that one out.

And just exactly how many heterosexual men who are not members of the Syracuse football team appear in public sporting “orange” as their primary wardrobe color? As a straight, non-hunting male, my own taste in hues runs to masculine shades like “blood red” and “black and blue”. Admittedly, I don’t have the same worldview as Republican men – for example, I am completely repulsed by Scalia and strongly attracted to women, as opposed to the other way around.

Those of us who are straight can never truly understand what it is like to be a Bush voter. We must realize that stigmatizing oneself as a Republican is a desperate cry for help by a tortured soul who is unconsciously begging to choreograph a Broadway play. This is not something to be ridiculed – compassion must be the top priority. It is incumbent upon those of us who are emotionally healthy to extend the hand of friendship to these sad, miserable creatures.

Toward that end, be sure to always keep a Judy Garland CD on your dashboard. That way, the next time you see someone in a car with a “Vote Republican” sticker on the bumper, you can quickly soothe his self-hating anguish with a medley of show tunes. What follows is that transcendental moment when a conservative finally comes to terms with his own true nature and sheepishly smiles a huge, toothless grin that practically lisps, “Thanks for understanding.”

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009