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Venerable journalist Ceci Connelly went berserk
at the Gore inauguration and had to be sedated.
By David Podvin
Now that we have reached the midpoint in the first term of President Al Gore, it is time to reflect on what has occurred during the past two years. Under the president’s wise leadership, America is experiencing unprecedented prosperity at home and receiving unparalleled respect overseas; our nation has never been stronger. As the Washington Post recently editorialized, “It’s time for impeachment!”
Of course, President Gore won the election in a controversial manner - by getting the most votes. The choice of the American people was ratified in an upset five-four decision by the United States Supreme Court when, just minutes before hearing the case, Associate Justice Clarence Thomas inadvertently glanced into a mirror. Thomas was stunned to discover that he is a black man, and immediately resolved that ballots cast by African Americans in Florida would have be counted.
The inaugural ceremony was a splendid occasion, featuring a dynamic speech by the president during which he befuddled conservatives by speaking in complete and coherent sentences. The only negative aspect of the event was the persistent sobbing from press row, culminating in Post reporter Ceci Connelly insanely rushing the podium while chanting, “Satan, Satan, Son of Sin – Free us from your evil kin.” The drooling journalist was taken into custody for psychiatric evaluation and, after having been declared mentally incompetent, was promptly promoted to be managing editor of the Post.
The president began his administration by keeping his campaign promise to spend two billion dollars on enhanced airport security. If not for his vigilance, the failed al Qaida terrorist attack on September 11, 2001 could have been a real disaster for America. Thanks to the cost effective Gore Defense Initiative, all of the culprits were apprehended, as was the “mastermind” of the box cutter assault. That last arrest dealt a stunning setback to international terrorism, while also creating a vacancy in the executive branch in Texas.
President Gore’s highly successful economic plan has consisted of jobs programs for the poor, tax cuts for the working class, and delicious lollipops for the rich. As a result, the prosperity of the Clinton era has continued unabated, with record levels of employment. In protest of all that opportunity being lavished on the undeserving lower classes, Republican Party Chairman Marc Racicot vowed to go on a hunger strike. Alas, his will soon faltered - those lollipops proved to be just too irresistible.
The president's comprehensive program of economic development and hiring more cops has made the streets of America safer. Violent crime has continued to plummet, due in large part to the house arrest of Wall Street Journal columnist John Fund. White-collar crime is also decreasing; pressure from the administration has caused Wall Street to finally get serious about policing corporate malfeasance under the firm guidance of New York Stock Exchange President Michael Moore.
And kudos to our leader for finally resolving the intractable problem of radioactive waste disposal by locating the ideal site to contain all of this country’s hazardous material. Americans will remember the Tennessean’s bold commitment to a safe ecology every time we drive past the all-encompassing glow that will now perpetually emanate from the well-manicured grounds of the Excellence In Broadcasting Network.
With the presidency in strong hands, wonderful things just seem to keep happening:
For almost two years now, uncooperative witness Kenneth Starr has been held without bail in Guantanamo at the behest of Attorney General Susan MacDougal.
In March 2001, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein fled his country in order to become chairman of the Georgia Republican Party.
Later that year, under the terms of the Gore Homeland Security Act, democracy was strengthened when Americans were granted even more freedom to express their views without government harassment. The prospect of citizens having greater personal liberty caused grief-stricken former senator John Ashcroft to issue a stirring dissent in which he demanded, "Give me repression or give me death!"
We will miss him.
Early in 2002, North Korea agreed to relinquish all weapons of mass destruction after President Gore assured them that – immediately following her next snotty “Asians eat dogs” reference - Ann Coulter will be dressed up as a Schnauzer and airmailed post haste to The Pyongyang Buffet.
In June, Yasser Arafat finally agreed to peacefully coexist with Israel after Secretary of State Barbara Lee convinced Ariel Sharon to promise that the Mossad would forcibly prevent any further renditions by Adam Sandler of “The Chanukah Song”.
The last two years have certainly been wonderful for Americans, albeit better for some than others. In one of life’s little ironies, GOP statesman Tom DeLay had to retire from politics when he was permanently incapacitated by an enraged swarm of vengeful termites. Mississippi Senator Trent Lott also left Congress after he was the target of a recall campaign by his African American constituents. Black Mississippians were offended by Lott’s numerous racist remarks, and also by his condescending conciliatory gestures that included legally changing his name to Toupee X and marrying the actress who played Weezie on “The Jeffersons”.
Finally, when the president’s approval rating reached 96% last week, the entire editorial board of the Wall Street Journal committed bourgeois suicide.
Candor requires the acknowledgement that some bad things have also happened since Al Gore assumed this nation’s highest office, but there is no need to dwell on those minor setbacks here.
After all, every single one of them was Ronald Reagan’s fault.
Podvin, the Series