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DISCREDITED FAT MAN
By Ceci Connelly
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, October 17, 2002; Page A01
In a whining, self-indulgent hissyfit so appallingly reminiscent of the repulsive behavior that led to his humiliating defeat in 2000, former vice president Al Gore on Monday urged Democrats to ďremember the frustration" they felt when he was routed by George W. Bush in all three debates. Gore encouraged the Democratic faithful to use their anger as motivation to vote against candidates who believe in protecting America from total destruction.
The speech was really gross, and all of us in the mainstream media could barely contain ourselves from spewing chunks. That rotund phony is soooo boring and uncool! Fortunately, there was a big crowd, so Howard Kurtz and I were able to prevent the evening from being a complete washout by getting in a little quality zombie time.
The morbidly obese Mr. Gore obliviously blathered on and on to the audience in Mt. Vernon, Iowa, which by then was even more brainless than your typical liberal gathering. He pompously mumbled something like, "I want you to remember not just what you were thinking after the last election, I want you to remember what you were feeling." If the winner of the Richard Mellon Scaife Objectivity In Journalism Award may be permitted a personal thought: I, for one, was feeling a tidal wave of nausea at seeing this crapulent loser once again wallowing in self-pity. Thank God Bush stole the election; his wonderful policy of using government contracts as payoffs to obedient media companies has made a certain comely, doe-eyed reporterís stock options worth a fucking fortune during a bear market!
But itís not
just the money that causes this superstar panelist of Washington
Week In Review
to adore mi presidente. Itís also the cool stuff!
For example, my new Lamborghini Diablo VT. I
call it the ďBushmobileĒ. Sometimes, Post
attorney Mary Anne Warner and I sit in the back seat all night long wearing our
and eating fudge and inventing lies that I later attribute to Gore.
Mary Anne protects me from diabolically
horrid Internet people,
so I bought some really expensive and magical glasses for her.
Now, she can see libel even where it doesn't exist.
Isn't she sweet?
This is Sven.
He is strongly attracted to mature, prosperous ladies of the Fourth Estate.
Before Bush came along, I was dating Dave Broder, okay?
You know what they say about black guys?
Well, it also pertains to Swedes!
Oh, joy! In fact, multiple joy!!
OUR CORRUPT QUID PRO QUO MADE THIS POSSIBLE
FOR ME, DUBYA!
WITH ALL MY HEART I DO LOVE YOU SO!
Please click here if you really believe that Ceci Connolly really wrote this piece.
Podvin, the Series