Making politicians and media accountable to ordinary citizens since 2000.

Home | Unconservative Listening | Links | Contribute | About

Join the Mailing List | Contact Caro

8/6/02


 

THE AMERICAN VOLTAIRE 

By Ann Coulter

Pop quiz time, liberal swine. What is the identity of the extremely talented and breathtakingly gorgeous writer who has been atop the New York Times Bestseller List for the last four weeks? I challenge you to name that special someone who has reigned supreme for an entire month, which is more than twice as long as any Democrat has ever gone without committing incest.

Memo to leftist websites: I am officially the number one author in America, and you are officially pathetic failures. Despite all of your libelous slurs about how “crazy” I am, or what a “Nazi” I am, or how I barter Monica-style favors in exchange for French fries, I have reached the summit of the publishing world. I now stand astride the written word like a mighty colossus (a colossally good looking colossus).

And to set the record straight once and for all, it was not French fries – it was the Cartier Marie Antoinette “Let Them Eat Cake” Limited Edition Diamond Encrusted Timepiece with the elegantly sleek 24-karat gold embroidered wristband (Retail price: $17,995.99). This is an extremely rare and wonderful watch, truly “The Gift Worth Swallowing For”.

Merci beaucoup, Monsieur Scaife. As long as you are my Daddy Big Bucks, I will always be your Little Oral Annie.

But no longer am I just “Ann Of A Thousand Lays”.

I am best selling author – hear me roar!

Given that you liberals are probably too busy robbing convenience stores to verify my claim of preeminence, you can have your parole officers look it up for you. I am number one. That would be numero uno for the vast majority of you earth toned Gore voters who are here illegally after wading across the Rio Grande.

Socialist web weasels, this is the ideal time to take inventory:

ME: Number one author in America. Renowned columnist and lecturer. Revered laissez faire deep thinker. Influencing policy at the highest levels of government. Living in luxury. Hobnobbing with all the best people. Irresistibly charismatic. Flawless Aryan genes. Blond, lustrous hair. Incomparably exquisite facial features. Six feet tall. Forty six pounds. Sweet, cheerful disposition.

YOU: Not the number one author in America. Malicious semiliterate slob. Convoluted unthinking conformist. Haplessly caterwauling to the sleazy nether regions of society. Groveling in the abject poverty that accompanies being addicted to black tar heroin. Associating only with your fellow inbred perverts. Lacking refinement and charm. Most likely an offensive interracial mulatto color. Ratty, lice ridden Don King hair. Marty Feldman eyes. Karl Malden nose. Mini-Me body. Corrosively embittered by your sorry lot in life.

That’s why I don’t hate you. I pity you.

Actually, I am such a deep person that there is ample room in my heart to both hate and pity you.  You are despicable hounds from Hell whose raison d’être is to evict God from the Pledge of Allegiance, doubtlessly to be replaced by someone who is more representative of the liberal philosophy (like Ho Chi Minh or Jeffrey Dahmer).

What makes my meteoric rise to immortality all the more impressive is that I am just an upper class white chick from the suburbs of Connecticut. I do not have all the advantages that the elitists enjoy. If I get caught speeding, the teeming masses of South Central Los Angeles are not going to rush to my defense by burning their city to the ground. I cannot go through life nagging everyone to distraction just because six million of my closest friends might have had a little mishap a few decades ago. I also can’t justify staggering around aimlessly in a drunken stupor as the residual effect of someone having given my forefathers a few blankets covered with small pox. And since I am not urine colored, I wasn't automatically awarded a perfect score on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

No, when you bear the burden of being a WASP in an increasingly mongrelized nation, you can only reach the top by implementing the good old fashioned Protestant work ethic. There must be so much less pressure when you are a member of some swarthy minority group and everyone just expects you to be a disgraceful loser. I guess that explains why the Italians are so carefree.

I hope my spectacular commercial success eats away at each maggot who runs a liberal website, literally burning the lining off your bloated stomach and making it impossible for you to digest solid food so you have to go on liquid diet but your bladder fails and you are reduced to being fed intravenously until the needle gets clogged and then you slowly fade away into oblivion while experiencing more horrifying agony than the collective suffering of every human being who has ever lived!

Of course, my good breeding guarantees that I will be magnanimous and self-effacing about my spectacular success. This starkly contrasts me with liberals, who are so spiteful that it makes you wish you could put them all into a giant blender and then hit “Puree”. I humbly owe everything to my sincere faith in Jesus Christ, the very Savior with whom none of you Democrats will be spending eternity. I guess Heaven is going to be a lot like the convention of the Daughters of the American Revolution except, God willing, the busboys won’t all sound like that Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Finally, on a personal note: MakeThemAccountable.com, you are the lowest liberal website of them all. The armpit of humanity. The septic tank of the universe. I’ve never actually soiled my seductive blue eyes by reading your ill written filth, but a lawyer friend of mine over at the Washington Post tells me that Make Them Accountable is a real piece of crap. Your worthless site apparently exists for no purpose other than to smear people who, unlike you, actually have talent. Tell the psychotic freak who is writing the shitty little satires in my name that I’m willing to finance an all expense paid vacation for him to any locale of his choice - as long as the locale of his choice is ground zero of the Ebola virus.

And what manner of malevolent malcontent could run such a mean spirited site? Can you really afford to take so much time away from your life’s work of torturing puppies just in order to libel the American Voltaire? You are insanely jealous because you have never been invited to any of Dan Burton’s exclusive forensic testing parties. Last weekend, by lobbing hand grenades at trays of pasta fazule, we were able to conclusively establish that the My Lai Massacre was actually the handiwork of one Ms. Barbara Lee.

The next time you are tempted to have a little subversive fun at the expense of this luscious literary legend, keep one thing in mind: Taking ineffectual potshots at America’s favorite wordsmith can only further diminish you. Or, to put it in the inimitable Coulter phraseology (which many have compared favorably to that of William Shakespeare), “I’m rubber and you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

When you are America’s best selling author, turning such an elegant phrase is mere child’s play. But I caution you liberals, who yearn for the works of a modern literary giant but have none within your intellectually depleted left wing ranks: You had better enjoy my artistic mastery in free guest columns like this one while you can. I rarely do anything without charging for it.

Just ask Mr. Scaife.

Miss Coulter, who in case you haven’t heard is currently America’s best selling author, has recently completed her autobiography, “The Diary Of Ann Skank”.

----------------------

Please click here if you really believe that Ann Coulter really wrote this piece.

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series

 


Last changed: December 13, 2009