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4/25/02  


 

MY PROFOUND FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST AND RONALD REAGAN* PROVIDES ME WITH THE INNER STRENGTH I NEED TO BE PRETENTIOUS AND PSYCHOTIC

*Not Necessarily In That Order

By Peggy Noonan

When I think of the greatness of Dutch Reagan, I think of peace and prosperity. I think of the glorious fall of that wicked Berlin Wall, and the domestic decline of godless incestuous liberalism. Most of all, I think that, if Nancy would have just missed grabbing that handrail when I ever-so-covertly pushed her bony ass down the finely crafted oaken staircase in the West Wing, then he would have been mine, praise Jesus, mine!

I recall once seeing Ronnie napping barefoot in a hammock. As I looked reverently at those manly Republican feet that had kicked the poo out of communism, I felt a deep yearning to cradle them in my hands. I longed to caress them, to fondle them, to adore them, to rub all ten of his precious little supply side piggies against me, and – yes - to tell them I love them.  

Rest assured, no female - not one - ever has had her heart all-aflutter over Slick Willie's malodorous metatarsals.

There are times when even the strongest and wisest among us (and I will reluctantly agree to have myself included in that category) feel that we are adrift at sea. Like little Elian Gonzalez helplessly wafting in the Caribbean, we are prayerful that the Lord will send magic Christian dolphins to save us from drowning. From the cynical liberal perspective, this must seem almost “quaint”, as must anything that does not include cheating on one’s wife with a fat Jewish girl.

Yet for those of us who are steeped in the comforting bosom of traditional faith, Divine inspiration is as real as a Miami-Dade recount-stopping crusade of true believers. It was that intervention by the Prince of Peace, with an assist from Reagan apostle Tom DeLay, that mercifully spared Our One Nation Under God from being governed by an environmentalist crazy man (whose pious “wife” I believe I once saw in a porno film called, “Mary Elizabeth Is Really A Guy”).

Liberals constantly impress themselves with their own "genius". Humility is for those of us who choose not to fornicate with the adopted Asian children of our waiflike lovers. We must be humble enough to admit that Jesus Christ is greater than are we. We must be candid enough to acknowledge that Ronald Reagan is greater still.

The lesson to be learned is that, by combining the pure virtue of Jesus with the even purer virtue of Ronnie, we can all become better people. This is true for every living being with a soul, which obviously disqualifies anyone who voted for Carter or Mondale. For the rest of us, believing in the infinite love of the Lord and the Strategic Defense Initiative of the Gipper, we can navigate the often-turbulent currents of our lives that are caused by liberals who exist only to inflict torment on people who do not have hair grow on the palms of their hands during a full moon.

Let the record show that it is the liberals who pollute our environment by encouraging the proliferation of smog-emitting rain forests. The "compassionate" ones are the very same people obsessively persecuting tobacco executives who provide jobs, while coddling spotted owls that destroy them. And never forget that it is the liberals who use mind control techniques to make yours truly speak in such an affected manner that it appears as though I am zonked out of my gourd on hallucinogenic drugs.

Oh, theirs is an endless rancor, these addled Democrats! They destroyed what little credibility they ever had by denying that catsup is a vegetable. They damage our God fearing nation with their dementia, so it will be justice – pure and simple - when the magic Christian dolphins became amphibious, and drive these disordered leftists into the depths of the deep blue sea!

It shall be intriguing indeed to see how much The Friends Of The Earth appreciate the awesome majesty of whales when looking at them from the inside.

Ultimately, one is left to ponder - in contemplative solitude - how the radical Democrats have become so unbalanced. They pretend to be egalitarian, whilst they comfortably ensconce in their ivory towers. Meanwhile, working people like yours truly had to earn tuition money for literary instruction by selling cosmetics door to door (hence the nickname by which I will forever be known the world over: "The Bard Of Avon"). 

I do so pity these deranged liberals. Their sick pathologies and smallness of character cause them to behave with shatter-brained delirium, such as when they oppose chiseling the noble likeness of Ronald Wilson Reagan onto the face of the Statue of Liberty. I must allow candor to supercede tact, dear reader. I am morally compelled to inform you, for your own protection, that Democrats are daft - completely daft.

As the stirring masculine voices of both my Sweet Jesus and my Sweeter Ronnie confide in me whenever I play “You Light Up My Life” backwards at half speed, “These lunatics of the left are truly mad indeed!”  

Ms. Noonan is a former presidential speechwriter. She is currently a columnist for the Wall Street Journal, and author of the runaway bestseller “Profound Hidden Meanings in the Songs of Debby Boone” (Regan Books, $19.95)

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