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4/19/02


 

Senate Defeats Arctic Drilling
Seething Bush Vows To “Kill Every Goddamn Caribou Anyway”

By David Broder
Washington Post National Political Correspondent
Thursday, April 18, 2002; 1:25 PM

US Army helicopter airlifts
an arctic caribou prior to
sending it plunging to its death

President George W. Bush, shaking with patriotic rage, condemned the highly partisan Senate Democrats after they voted to weaken America’s national security by defeating his bold plan to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Showing the decisive leadership and moral clarity that has endeared him to everyone who loves this country, the president vowed to deter future such pro-terrorist actions, pledging to “hit the environmental whackos where it hurts most: in the caribou, or whatever the hell those reindeer things are called.”

Citing the extraordinary powers conferred upon him to fight the War on Terrorism, Mr. Bush announced that he had ordered Army attack helicopters to lasso and transport the endangered species to the Ronald Reagan Arctic Ravine, then send them plunging onto the sharp rocks below.

“The first hundred feet down shouldn’t hurt at all,” quipped the immensely popular and charismatic chief executive, his mood lightening as he visualized the scene. “It’s the point of impact that’s going to be a real bitch.”

“I think sending them hurtling to their deaths in a ravine that Congress just named after Ronnie is kind of sweet,” said former First Lady Nancy Reagan. “He would have really gotten a kick out of that.”

"It makes you wonder whether the drilling proposal ever had anything to do with oil," said the ambitious Sen. John Kerry from Massachusetts (which is far out of the national political mainstream), "or if the president was just nostalgic to relive the Karla Faye Tucker experience."

Environmental groups, who had gloated about their win in the Senate, reacted with predictable hysteria after Bush skillfully turned their triumph into a pyrrhic victory.

“Bush is insane,” whined Sierra Club Executive Director Carl Pope, exhibiting the pomposity and self pity that makes so many normal Americans want to bludgeon tree huggers with an ax. “This is outrageous! This is madness!!”

“We trust that Senator (Tom) Daschle will remember this little incident when it comes time to deal with other national security issues, such as confirming our nominees to the federal courts,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. “After all, it doesn’t matter to a helicopter that's hovering over the Ronald Reagan (formerly Grand) Canyon whether it’s dropping a caribou or an obstructionist.”

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Please click here if you really believe that David Broder wrote this piece.

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