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FLYING OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
A MAKE THEM ACCOUNTABLE RETROSPECTIVE
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE PAST WEEK’S
POLITICAL TALK SHOWS
CROSSFIRE: No longer able to withstand a withering barrage of facts and
logic, Robert Novak and Tucker Carlson fled the studio, desperately attempting
to seek refuge in the Church of the Nativity. They were pursued and quickly
surrounded by James Carville and Paul Begala, who continued the assault on the
cowering conservative commentators by forcefully reciting Paul Krugman’s
devastating analysis of the Bush budget sham. Stunned and dazed, Novak and
Carlson begged the international community to rescue them, while President Bush
implored Carville and Begala to immediately cease hostilities. At last report,
however, the siege continued, with the whimpering Novak and Carlson helplessly
coiled in the fetal position as Carville and Begala pummeled them into
submission by reading aloud from the first chapter of Greg Palast’s book,
“The Best Democracy Money Can Buy”.
THE O’REILLY FACTOR: Bill O’Reilly welcomed former drug czar William
Bennett. Bennett said that he thought Bush was delivering a tour de force
performance in the War Against Terrorism. O’Reilly replied that he had been
raised in a working class home and could therefore identify with his blue collar
viewers. Bennett countered that Bush was doing a fine job on the economy.
O’Reilly, sensing an opening, said that he used to walk five miles to school,
even in the snow. Bennett congratulated Bush on some really nifty recess
appointments. O’Reilly recalled never receiving Christmas presents as a boy.
Bennett stated that his love for Bush was more than just platonic. O’Reilly
admitted that his family was so poor that he had to walk around naked until he
was fourteen. Bennett admired Bush’s manly bulge. O’Reilly claimed to have
been born in a dumpster.
ALAN KEYES IS MAKING SENSE: Alan Keyes welcomed a third trimester embryo.
Keyes asserted that the lives of the unborn were just as precious as the lives
of the women carrying them, and therefore abortion should always be illegal,
even to save the life of the mother. The embryo told Keyes to grow up.
MEET THE PRESS: Tim Russert welcomed General Electric Chairman Jeffrey
Immelt. Russert thanked Immelt for paying him $10 million a year. Immelt thanked
Russert for sacrificing the truth in order to whorishly promote GE interests,
and ordered him to conduct the rest of the interview while standing on his head.
Russert commented on how handsome Immelt looks when viewed upside down. Immelt
suggested that there would be a huge bonus for any GE employee who helped to
make sure that Bush had eight years to dismantle environmental and worker safety
regulations. Russert revealed that John Kerry is gay.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT: Bill Maher welcomed Ann Coulter, Sister Souljah, Al
Sharpton, and Mike Tyson. Coulter said that the only reason Halle Berry and
Denzel Washington won Oscars is because they are black
(Services for the leggy pundit have been scheduled at Forest Lawn
Memorial Park). Tyson said that he doesn’t like the Republican Congressional
leadership because he can’t abide men who sound effeminate. Souljah claimed
that white people are evil, then amended that to only include white people whose
favorite actor is Chuck Norris. Maher said that he believes Al Gore is a loser.
Sharpton replied that Maher probably also believes that there is a Richard
Simmons, Jr.
THIS WEEK: Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts welcomed Senate Minority Leader
Trent Lott. Donaldson said Ted Kennedy insisted that the Democrats had rejected
Judge Charles Pickering based on merit. Lott responded by saying, “Sam, that
is as phony as the hair on our heads.” Cokie
said that military men make her steamy hot, and that she had once been intimate
with Colonel Sanders. During the panel discussion, George Will claimed to have
recently invented a new language called “Pompousass” that replaces all two
syllable words with seven syllable words that mean exactly the same thing. He
added that baseball is a metaphor for life, and that George W. Bush is Babe
Ruth, while Al Gore is Mario Mendoza. George Stephanopoulos said he’d never
heard of Mario Mendoza, but that if Senor Mendoza were willing to stab El
Presidente Guillermo Clinton in the back for mucho dinero, then he could
strongly identify with Mario.
FACE THE NATION: Bob Schieffer was scheduled to welcome former President
George H.W. Bush, but Bush never showed up. In what made for truly compelling TV
viewing, Schieffer didn’t notice and interviewed him anyway. Schieffer:
“Welcome, former President Bush. You are looking better than ever – not a
gray hair in sight. You must be very proud of the job your old friend Don
Rumsfeld is doing. I see that you are moved beyond words. I know the feeling. I
was just talking backstage with my old colleague Edward R. Murrow…”
FOX NEWS SUNDAY: Tony Snow welcomed NRA president Charlton (Chuck) Heston,
who was toting a loaded AK-47 assault rifle. Snow plaintively asked Heston to
stop twirling the gun in his direction. Heston laughed heartily, then did a
Tarzan yell and screamed something about how carrying an automatic weapon could
make even the most impotent man feel virile. During the panel discussion, Mara
Liasson bitterly complained about having to sleep with Rupert Murdoch in order
to keep her job. Brit Hume urged her to stop whining, saying that he had
thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Juan Williams claimed that all black people
except Clarence Thomas and himself are totally out of touch with reality, and
disclosed that the Council On Foreign Relations is trying to learn the secrets
of the universe by monitoring his thoughts.
LARRY KING LIVE: Larry King welcomed Senator Arlen Specter. King said that,
as per his custom, he had not prepared for the interview, nor had he ever heard
of Senator Specter. A caller asked Specter whether Bush had been behind a
conspiracy to assassinate democracy during the Florida recount. Specter said no,
and then introduced a concept that he called the “magic ballot theory”.
According to Specter, Gore’s campaign had, in fact, been killed by a single
ballot. The caller contended that the ballot had been cast by an anti-Castro
Cuban national. Specter disagreed, adding that the forensic evidence indicated
that it came from a polling place in a schoolbook depository.
FIRING LINE: William F. Buckley, Jr. spent the entire hour denying
allegations that he has been dead since 1995.
GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Greta van Susteren welcomed chanteuse Cher and economist
Lawrence Kudlow. Kudlow asserted that the solution to the Palestinian problem is
to lower tax rates on the rich. Van Susteren commented that Cher looked great.
Cher replied that was probably because she had seen a professional cosmetic
surgeon, rather than getting blasted and using an acetylene torch to perform
plastic surgery on herself. Van Susteren sobbed softly in shame. Kudlow
suggested that the cure for her low self- esteem is the total elimination of the
estate tax.
HARDBALL: Chris Matthews welcomed Senator Zell Miller and yenta Laura
Ingraham. Matthews asked Miller what it was like to be a Democratic Senator
these days. Miller said that he would have absolutely no way of knowing.
Ingraham said that she thinks Tom Daschle is the Antichrist, and that he should
be burned at the stake. Matthews reminded her not to let Al Gore off the hook on
that Antichrist thing. Miller said that he enjoys dressing up as Carmen Miranda,
but that he can’t afford to do it as much anymore because of the skyrocketing
cost of bananas. Matthews complimented Ingraham on her outfit, but added that no
one could pull off the low cut evening gown look quite like former FBI Director
J. Edgar Hoover. Ingraham looked crushed. Miller bragged that he was the
inspiration for the prison warden in “Cool Hand Luke”. Ingraham said she
likes movies that have happy endings, so she avoids watching flicks about World
War II. Matthews compared Bush favorably to FDR. He then concluded the show by
confiding to viewers that Dennis Rodman is his psychiatrist.
THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP: John McLaughlin welcomed panelists Tony Blankley,
Eleanor Clift, Patrick Buchanan, and Mortimer Zuckerman. McLaughlin said that,
as a former Catholic priest, he wanted to emphasize that he was not a pedophile.
At this point, Jerry Mathers and the actor who played Little Ricky ran onto the
stage screaming, “You lying bastard!” and pummeled McLaughlin into
unconsciousness. Blankley expressed skepticism when Clift repeatedly explained
to him that Mount Rushmore is not a natural phenomenon. The playful Zuckerman
made Buchanan wet his pants by claiming that Simon Wiesenthal was in the next
room.
