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“I
Invented The Missionary Position”
Controversy Swirls As Tipper Gore Ponders Race For Senate
By
Ceci Connolly
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, March 17, 2002; Page A01
Mary
Elizabeth “Tipper” Gore, wife of congenital liar Al Gore, is mired in
controversy as she decides whether to seek the open senate seat in Tennessee.
Ms. Gore has invited criticism by making the same type of ludicrous claims that
sunk her husband’s presidential bid.
“I
am an even more prolific inventor than Al,” bragged the pudgy, aging erstwhile
beauty. “I am responsible for the invention of Play Doh, bouillabaisse,
sub-atomic particles, and every maneuver that was featured in the film Last
Tango In Paris.”
A
witness to Ms. Gore’s self-indulgent personal aggrandizement confided that the
former Second Lady was probably high on cocaine when she arrogantly continued
the family tradition of psychotic dishonesty.
“Tipper
was zonked out of her mind,” revealed the impeccable source, who insisted on
remaining anonymous because of Ms. Gore’s reported penchant for using a
machete to exact retribution on her critics. “It’s long been an open secret
that she is a crack whore. Even my husband, James Carville, would have to admit
that.”
Mr. Carville was
unavailable for comment, although a message on his answering machine said, “If
my wife tells you anything that’s hard to believe, consider the source.”
On
Saturday Ms. Gore, dressed in the earth tones that demonstrate she is
uncomfortable in her own skin and insecure about her manhood, tried to finesse
the allegations.
“Aren’t
you the same dishonorable fool who spent the entire 2000 campaign making up
stuff about my husband?” she irrationally caterwauled at this reporter,
revealing a paranoia that psychiatrists would undoubtedly consider to be an
automatic disqualification from holding public office.
Ms.
Gore’s diatribe might have been a clever diversionary tactic. Confidential
sources from within the Gore camp are reportedly concerned that, if Ms. Gore
does announce her candidacy, the public will learn of her previously well
concealed longtime romance with the late rock star, Frank Zappa.
“The entire conservative movement is ready to take her on,” said a greasy little weeny boy who used to be the head of the Christian Coalition, and who is now the chairman of the Georgia Republican Party. “Gennifer. Paula. Kathleen Willey. They’ve all had sex with Tipper. And they’re ready to talk about it, just as soon as they cash their checks from Richard Mellon Scaife.”
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Please click here if you really believe that Ceci Connolly wrote this piece.
