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3/17/02


 

“I Invented The Missionary Position”
Controversy Swirls As Tipper Gore Ponders Race For Senate

By Ceci Connolly
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, March 17, 2002; Page A01

Mary Elizabeth “Tipper” Gore, wife of congenital liar Al Gore, is mired in controversy as she decides whether to seek the open senate seat in Tennessee. Ms. Gore has invited criticism by making the same type of ludicrous claims that sunk her husband’s presidential bid.

“I am an even more prolific inventor than Al,” bragged the pudgy, aging erstwhile beauty. “I am responsible for the invention of Play Doh, bouillabaisse, sub-atomic particles, and every maneuver that was featured in the film Last Tango In Paris.”

A witness to Ms. Gore’s self-indulgent personal aggrandizement confided that the former Second Lady was probably high on cocaine when she arrogantly continued the family tradition of psychotic dishonesty.

“Tipper was zonked out of her mind,” revealed the impeccable source, who insisted on remaining anonymous because of Ms. Gore’s reported penchant for using a machete to exact retribution on her critics. “It’s long been an open secret that she is a crack whore. Even my husband, James Carville, would have to admit that.”

Mr. Carville was unavailable for comment, although a message on his answering machine said, “If my wife tells you anything that’s hard to believe, consider the source.”

On Saturday Ms. Gore, dressed in the earth tones that demonstrate she is uncomfortable in her own skin and insecure about her manhood, tried to finesse the allegations.

“Aren’t you the same dishonorable fool who spent the entire 2000 campaign making up stuff about my husband?” she irrationally caterwauled at this reporter, revealing a paranoia that psychiatrists would undoubtedly consider to be an automatic disqualification from holding public office.

Ms. Gore’s diatribe might have been a clever diversionary tactic. Confidential sources from within the Gore camp are reportedly concerned that, if Ms. Gore does announce her candidacy, the public will learn of her previously well concealed longtime romance with the late rock star, Frank Zappa.

“The entire conservative movement is ready to take her on,” said a greasy little weeny boy who used to be the head of the Christian Coalition, and who is now the chairman of the Georgia Republican Party. “Gennifer. Paula. Kathleen Willey. They’ve all had sex with Tipper. And they’re ready to talk about it, just as soon as they cash their checks from Richard Mellon Scaife.”

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