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2/11/02


 

THEY’RE ALL RED STATES NOW

By Richard Berke
The New York Times

Political analysts are mulling over the electoral implications of yesterday’s preemptive strike by the U.S. Air Force against what President Bush described as the “Even Worse Axis of Evil”, which consisted of saturation bombing along most of America’s two coastlines and in the industrial Midwest. Also specifically targeted for extinction were New Mexico, Hawaii, and the Florida State Supreme Court.

“On a purely political level, the Bush gambit is a stroke of genius,” said political observer Charles Cook. “Moral qualms aside, you can’t argue with the math. When all of the states that voted against you are gone, you’re in the cat bird’s seat.”

Another veteran analyst, who preferred to remain anonymous, said. “Bar and I are extremely proud of our boy, and he’s never been more popular with the fellas over at the Carlyle Group.”

The Pentagon revealed that the surgical operation was an essential step in defending the country.

“We had to do this”, said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. “We obtained information that terrorists were going to victimize these areas, so we had to beat them to it. It’s kind of like when the Forestry Service does a controlled burn in order to prevent a major fire. And it worked. Since we finished obliterating the blue states earlier today, al Qaeda hasn’t committed a single act of terror in this country.”

“I stand completely behind the president, despite the fact that he just killed every one of my constituents,” said Sen. Robert Torricelli (D-NJ). “Our top priority must now be to alleviate the suffering of their grieving relatives in the rest of America. Toward that end, eleven of my Democratic colleagues and I are cosponsoring death benefit legislation that will take all of the Social Security money that was scheduled to be sent to the deceased, and use every penny of it to cut the taxes of the super rich.”

Some malcontents have alleged that the national cleansing was politically inspired. However, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) vigorously disputed allegations that Bush had exclusively bombed areas won by Al Gore in order to insure his own reelection. “If the president had been targeting places that went Democrat in 2000,” Hatch said, “then he would have gone after the most Democrat place in the whole country, which is the District of Columbia.”

Cynics have noted that Mr. Bush currently resides in Washington, DC, and they claim that he might have been reticent about ordering the military to drop bombs on him.

“That’s outrageous!” exclaimed White House press secretary Ari Fleischer. “The president actually intended to set an example by bombing himself and Laura first. They are very religious people, so they prayed about it. Jesus told them it was His will that they spare themselves, and He ordered the president to commence bombing Berkeley and the Kennedy family compound in Hyannisport.”

“Will it haunt me forever that I just ordered the military to kill over one hundred million Americans?” asked President Bush. “I guess so. What bothers me the most is that, if I had just known Ken Lay was visiting in Delaware at the time of the air strikes, then I could’ve waited until he left before nuking the hell out of the place.”

Many Washington Democratic insiders expressed relief that, unlike the previous administration, this one has the experience and skill to turn the mass slaughter of citizens into a positive event for the country. They point to the fact that the president has access to the wise counsel of Dick Cheney, who is commonly thought to be lurking somewhere in the Everglades.

“Too many people go through life looking at the glass as being half empty,” the vice president told a bipartisan group of admiring congressional leaders. “I now see America as being half full. And most of our half isn’t very bright, so they couldn’t care less that I’m involved in the Enron scandal right up to my eyeballs.”

“Just forty eight hours ago, I was in serious danger of going to prison. Now, as a result of this tragic carnage, the political situation has turned around completely,” Cheney chuckled, flashing the trademark lopsided grin that has captivated so many of us in the corporate media. “Like Georgie said to me on September 11: ‘Today, all of my problems just went up in smoke’.”

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