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2/8/02


 

I HAVE A DREAM

By Ann Coulter

I have been to the mountaintop.

I have seen the Promised Land.

Of course, I’m just an incredibly well dressed, exceptionally alluring blond chick with zero percent body fat. If I were a nappy malcontent who’s always marching here and there about civil rights and other self-indulgent crap, then maybe my birthday would be a national holiday, too. As a result of political correctness, it is currently only being celebrated in parts of Bavaria.

But, I too have a dream.

Get this: A world without liberals!

Think of it!

No more murder! With every liberal dead, the only people left would be those of us who believe in peace through strength. God, what a tranquil world we could have if we just annihilated all of the pacifists!

No more rape! Of course, this objective could also be accomplished by just eliminating a certain resident of Chappaqua, New York.

No more homosexuality, therefore, no more child molestation! In the absence of sodomy, God will not feel compelled to lash out at in fury at the iniquity of man. Ergo, no more hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, famine, or pestilence. And when we use the word “faggot”, it will be homage to the wonderful products of Phillip Morris instead of something we scream at the fem waiter who is too slow when he serves us our dinner of bottled water and a raisin.

No more poverty, because we’ll eliminate the root cause of impoverishment: the minimum wage!

No more subversive public school curriculum! Children will study the mainstream values of the Christian Coalition and, of course, The Book Of Virtues. That Bill Bennett is so cute, especially for a transsexual.

No more so-called “Bill Of Rights” (except for the Second Amendment, of course)!

No more Kwanzaa, or welfare, or gangs, or miscegenation! Caucasian men will once again dominate the NBA!

No more Cinco de Mayo. No more bilingualism! No more bilinguals!

No more Hanukah! Hallelujah!

No more diversity! We won’t have to endure watching all those Orientals anchoring the weekend news anymore!

But how can we conservatives, in the sagacious words of Laverne and Shirley, do it our way, our way, making our dreams come true?

My friends, why do you think that the genius, George W. Bush, refuses to sign the treaty banning chemical warfare?

I understand that, during the glorious reign of Bush I, scientists in the CIA used fetal tissue to develop a virus that attacks the immune system of anyone who is pro-choice. What wonderful irony! Sweet revenge for the only human beings who deserve unconditional love: the unborn! Better still, a mutant strain of the disease will kill anyone who opposes the Strategic Defense Initiative. It seems that people who are afflicted with something called “cerebral vitality” are vulnerable to the virus, while those of us who are impervious to logic remain completely unharmed!

I haven’t been this euphoric since kindergarten, when I found out that Marilyn Monroe’s adulterous boyfriend had a little mishap during a car ride in Dallas!

No more Stevens! No more Ginsburg! No more Breyer! No more Souter! Finally, a Supreme Court that is uninfected by the pathetic “Let’s interpret the Constitution in an ethical way” crowd!

No more Hollywood lefties! Goodbye, Streisand! So long, Sheen! Here’s a conspiracy for you, Oliver Stone – you’re dead!

No more Baldwin brothers! Especially Alec, whom I understand is known to say, “It’s okay for us to engage in these perversions because this is the start of a long term relationship” and then you never hear from the bastard again and you feel used and discarded.  LIAR! LIAR!! LIAR!!! No one’s going to miss you, Pretty Boy!

No more rock stars! As if their blasphemous metallic “music” wasn’t offensive enough, these clowns go around the world pretending to care about the plight of the underprivileged. You want to help the starving children of Africa? Tell the ignorant little dorks to eat something! Duh!!!

No more Kennedy clan, but we’ll still have the real Klan! Talk about the best of both worlds!

No more “It Takes A Village”, Rodham-Beelzebub! Get ready for “It Takes Corporal Punishment”. If you would have just spanked Chelsea now and then, then you might have knocked some of the ugly off her face.

No more A.C.L.U., so no more T.R.E.A.S.O.N.!

No more PBS, which means no more deviant subliminal programming (Sesame Street), thinly disguised sado-masochistic propaganda (Teletubbies), or debauched attempts to create pre-pubescent gender confusion (Mister Rogers Neighborhood)!

No more drama queen Sarah Brady trying to demagogically use her husband’s little affliction to manipulate public sentiment against poor Smith and Wesson. That great company not only makes wonderful firearms, but Wesson also manufactures this fabulous cooking oil that Kenneth Starr, Ted Olson, Henry Hyde, Lindsey Graham, Asa Hutchinson, Bob Barr, and Jerry Falwell all agree makes my gorgeous gams so much softer than any of their other mistresses’ legs.

No more Christopher Reeve and Michael J. Fox. Good news, fellas. You won’t have to irritate normal people with your “suffering” anymore, because even you self-pitying liberals can’t snivel when you’re laying under six feet of dirt! Look, Chris and Mike! I’m walking, and I’m not shaking. Then again, I never alienated Jesus by voting for Carter.

No more feminized males or female impersonators to enviously disparage my awesome beauty! Liberal men are all gay, and liberal women made them that way. Look at Clinton: from a grubby shrew to a tubby Jew, and right on down the evolutionary ladder he goes. You just know that Slick Willie’s going to be singing Judy Garland music any day now.

No more Democrats to make my life so miserable that I’ve gone from binging and purging to just purging!

Best of all, no more seditious liberal Internet websites. No more MakeThemAccountable! No more Buzzflash! No more Bushwatch! No more Smirking Chimp! No more Bartcop! You all seem to think it’s so very humorous to incessantly libel a breathtaking pundit with your subversive little jokes and dullard insults born of envy. Time is running out for you, egalitarian scum!

Die, you leftist cyberskanks! Die a thousand agonizing deaths! And be haunted by the fact that, after your rotting corpses have been planted in unmarked graves at the far end of an overgrown potter’s field in the sleaziest section of town, I’ll still be the ravishing blond wearing the stylish black minidress (Versace, $1,695.99) and the dazzling smile (Pearl Drops, $5.95).

To paraphrase Kris Kristofferson (who, unlike all the others, at least was gentlemanly enough to leave some cash on my pillow before he went home and never called me again), freedom’s just another word for killing everyone who voted for Al Gore. As soon as W gets the ideological cleansing program underway, America is going to be an even better place to live than if the Confederacy had won the Civil War.

Only when every liberal is enriching the soil through the decomposition of the government cheese that comprises their flabby remains will the Lord’s true Chosen people be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood, and sing in the words of the old fascist spiritual:

“Dead at last! Dead at last! Thank God Almighty! They are dead at last!”

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series

 


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