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By David Podvin

Chimpanzees do not select the least intelligent and most hapless of the group to be their leader. They do not passively tolerate his ruining their standard of living and their environment. They do not mindlessly follow him off on a bloody crusade just because he spins fanciful yarns about bananas of mass destruction. Chimps are too smart to fall for such transparent nonsense.

When a gorilla goes around ignorantly grabbing the breasts of the lady gorillas, he does not subsequently win a special election to become Top Regional Ape, especially when none of the rest can understand what the hell he is trying to say. A gorilla who treats females with contempt incurs the wrath of the community and gets bitten and hit prior to being launched headfirst into a pile of hippo poop, which is exactly as it should be.

Consider the reaction of orangutans when one of them does not notice for several weeks that her mother is dead yet shamelessly condemns the family values of all the orangutans who are single moms. Why, they hoot derisively while displaying naked photographs of her that they have downloaded from the Internet.

And every time an insufferably pompous baboon acts holier-than-thou only to have it discovered that he pays $1200 an hour to be spanked by a whore, the other baboons take his poorly written “Book of Virtues” and cram it up his ass.

Contrast the wise reactions of these primates with the behavior of the Texas Republican Party, which (at least theoretically) is populated by human beings. Lone Star conservatives have called for abolishing the separation between church and state in favor of having a Christian society. They have taken this position because as every person of faith is aware only bible-based parenting can provide the peace of mind that comes with knowing one’s drunken daughter is groveling on all fours while doing “Da Butt Dance”.

The Texas Republicans want to criminalize gay sex, a prohibition that if strictly enforced will make the next National Rifle Association Convention look like a ghost town. They also insist that the law must preclude any child from being left alone with a homosexual. This demand has been interpreted by knowledgeable observers as being a gratuitous slap at Ralph Reed.

The Texas Republicans want to outlaw abortion, and that goes double when the life of the mother is at risk.

The Texas Republicans want to repeal the income tax and replace it with… no federal tax. This change in the code could cause the budget deficit to rise ever so slightly, although the Laffer Curve indicates exactly the opposite.

The Texas Republicans want to eliminate the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms; the position of Surgeon General; the Environmental Protection Agency; and the Departments of Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services, Energy, Education, Commerce, and Labor, among others. In their places, the right wing Texans propose totally unrestricted access to alcohol and tobacco, automatic weapons for everybody (finally!), the honor system for pharmaceutical and energy conglomerates, low cost housing in the form of discarded refrigerator containers, universal access to faith healers, increased social acceptance of illiteracy, and laissez faire corporate plunder. In other words, the Bush agenda.

The Texas Republicans want to eliminate Social Security. Senior citizens who lack sufficient resources to survive would be provided with a warm hug and a discount coupon from the mortuary of their choice.

The Texas Republicans want to abolish minimum wage laws that inhibit prosperity as they strive to copy the much-ballyhooed “Bangladeshi Economic Miracle”.

The Texas Republicans want to confiscate the Panama Canal and rename it the American Canal. If all goes according to plan, this policy of eminent domain will ultimately expand to include the scenic American Channel and the picturesque American Riviera, not to mention the ancient Great Wall of America.

The Texas Republicans want the United States out of the United Nations and the United Nations out of the United States. How? Well, we got this problem with foreigners, see, and we got sixty-five thousand nuclear warheads just sittin’ around gatherin’ dust…

The Texas Republicans want public schools to teach Creation Science, which for the uninitiated is the academically verified theory that mindlessly parroting superstitious bullshit is the highest form of human intellectual endeavor.

It is hard for liberals to admit mistakes, and never more so than when the admission involves apologizing to religious conservatives. Yet honesty dictates that such an acknowledgement must be made, however belatedly.

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Any theory that contends Texas Republicans evolved from monkeys is implausible, blasphemous, and just plain stupid.

Clearly, it was the other way around.

More David Podvin

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Last changed: December 13, 2009