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When I Become King

Thanks to Pritchett Cartoons

By David Podvin

When Americans belatedly come to their senses and demand that I be crowned king, I will issue a decree prohibiting our nation from declaring war against any country that doesn’t spend more on armaments than we spend on pornography. This standard will limit us to attacking China, Russia, and India. Each of those nations really does have weapons of mass destruction, so warring against them will contain infinitely more suspense (and therefore far greater entertainment value) than was involved in bullying Iraq. It just seems unsporting to aggress against a country that has allocated less money for weapons than the American people pay to purchase videos in which busty nymphettes say things like, “Jeepers creepers, Doctor… that sure doesn’t look like a rectal thermometer!”

When I become king, the death penalty will still be legal, and it will still be applied in a grossly unfair manner: a vastly disproportionate number of those put to death will be extremely wealthy individuals who were represented by competent, sober attorneys.

When I become king, the profoundly immoral “Death Tax” will be replaced by the profoundly moral “Massive Tax On Annoying Heirs Who Bitch And Moan About Paying Their Fair Share”.

When I become king, the “right to remain silent” will be expanded in some cases to include the “obligation to remain silent”. This will formally be known as the “Brit Hume Rule”.

When I become king, all of my horses and all of my men will enforce a strict ban on hunting. Recreational killing is a sport in the same way that pedophilia is a sport – it is the act of tormenting a sentient being for personal pleasure. If hunters feel absolutely compelled to slaughter something subhuman, they will have my royal permission to commit suicide. Under the dominion of King David, the punishment for hunting defenseless creatures will be cruel and unusual: self-styled predators will find the tables have been turned when they are drenched in marinara sauce and dumped on the front porch of Dom DeLuise.

When I become king, I will deal with the issue of gay marriage in a Solomonic manner by eliminating all marriage, thereby putting an end to adultery and spousal abuse in one fell swoop. I will create a new institution that allows consenting adults of any sexual orientation to choose their own legally recognized mates. All citizens who have attained the age of majority will qualify, except for James Carville. As your cherished monarch, I must seize the opportunity to deal with one of this nation’s most urgent priorities, which is to set up James with a nice liberal girl.

When I become king, the USA Patriot Act will be superseded by the USA Super Patriot Act. America’s super patriots (love war/refuse to fight in one) will be loaded onto space ships and spend the rest of their lives orbiting the Earth to protect our nation that they so love from an invasion by intergalactic illegal aliens. As a result, the United States will be safer, and I’m guessing it will smell a whole lot better, too.

When I become king, any tree that is proven to have caused smog will be chopped up and tossed into a wood chipper. The same principle will be applied to corporate CEOs.

When I become king, people who dare to say that our nation cannot subsist on solar energy because it isn’t “cost efficient” will have a likeness of Pinocchio tattooed onto their foreheads. We have recently spent well over one hundred billion dollars and almost a thousand American lives to steal Iraq’s oil, and that is just our latest prohibitively expensive misadventure on behalf of the petroleum industry. If we gave the solar industry a tiny fraction of that subsidy, the United States would soon have a limitless source of cheap energy and a virtually inexhaustible supply of toilet paper in the form of worthless oil stock certificates.

When I become king, I will declare ketchup to be the official vegetable in the Mandatory Meals For Conservative Members of Congress program that all right wing federal legislators will have to attend three times daily. Ketchup will also be served as the entrée, the side dishes, and the dessert. If the right wingers desire to have a condiment with their meal, they will be allowed to have catsup.

When I become king, my adoring subjects shall walk the streets in safety because the dungeons will be brimming with crazed sociopaths who currently are allowed to run wild. Included among the dregs of society who face certain incarceration are Katharine Seelye (for claiming to have invented the Internet), Jeff Gerth (for selling nuclear secrets to the Chinese), Andrea Mitchell (for vandalizing the White House and Air Force One), and Christopher Ruddy (for murdering Vince Foster).

When I become king, no one other than a dominatrix will be allowed to use the words “sex” and “violence” in the same sentence. Sex is good. Violence is bad. There is a proper place for people who equate sex with violence, and it is called a “psychiatrist’s couch”.

When I become king, I will review the classified details involving the carnal torture of Iraqis and reluctantly conclude that the U.S. military is no place for heterosexuals. Our new all gay army will heroically defend the nation: if America’s enemies thought that it was hard to compete against the mighty Green Berets, just wait until they have to face the invincible Purple Berets.

When I become king, I will do away with the holidays that no one celebrates and institute some really cool ones in their place. For example, Columbus Day was a worthwhile idea, but it has become just another forgettable entry on the calendar. This will not be the case after I decree that it be renamed “Slap Antonin Scalia Day”.

When I become king, I will instruct the royal scriveners to add a “J” and an “R” to the name of every public edifice honoring our fortieth president, thereby turning the Ronald Reagan National Airport into the Ronald Reagan, Jr. National Airport. This will be done on the premise that it is a far, far better thing to have danced on the stage than to have stomped on the Constitution.

When I become king, I will honor the precedent involving one Mr. Francis Dereham, who was hanged, dismembered, disemboweled, beheaded and quartered by King Henry VIII for having defiled consort Catherine Howard before Henry even met her. How does this sound: Queen Maria Shriver.

When I become king, I will allow prayer in public schools, and expand the policy to include all forms of historically recognized religious observance. The result will be the soul satisfying strengthening of morals when the fundamentalist children spread the Holy Gospel of Our Lord and Savior, and a beneficial reduction in class size when the kids who worship Satan perform ritualistic human sacrifices.

When I become king, anyone who does not give a controversial acceptance speech at the Academy Awards will immediately be drowned out by the orchestra and dragged offstage. Thanking the little people who made it all possible will be strictly forbidden, whereas calling for the violent overthrow of the Texas legislature will be actively encouraged.

When I become king, there will universal availability of abortion for women with unwanted pregnancies and there will be physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill people suffering unbearable pain and there will be unlimited access to stem cells for research scientists seeking to cure diseases and there will be sedatives – lots and lots of sedatives – for the theocratic primitives among us who feel so persecuted by acts of compassion.

When I become king, I will replace “The Star Spangled Banner” as the national anthem with the 1960s musical masterpiece “96 Tears”, which was originally entitled “69 Tears” before the morality police got their sleazy hands on it. Obviously, a tune about slaughtering people is less anthem-worthy than a tune about pleasuring people. I am really looking forward to seeing the expression on Lynne Cheney’s face as she places her hand over her heart while solemnly singing, “And when the sun comes up, I'll be on top. You'll be right down there, lookin’ up…”

When I become king, I will also replace “In God We Trust” as the nation’s motto. It certainly is a lovely albeit insincere sentiment, but many countries have similar slogans, and the official maxim of the United States should be something uniquely American that conveys our national sensibility. Tentatively, I’m leaning towards “That Cat Shaft Is One Bad Motherfucker”.

And make no mistake about it, when I become king, conservatives are finally going to discover what a liberal media really looks like: “This is Fox News Live…with Managing Editor Michael Moore”.

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009