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A Children’s Guide
To American Politics

Once upon a time there was a very, very mean man:


This shmuck stole from the poor and gave to the rich.
His policies hurt many children, especially lower income kids
who suffered due to the reduced quality of school lunch programs:


 Mr. Mean was nasty to Grandmom and Granddad, too:


 All this cruelty made the little ones so sad:

 “Who is tough enough to save us from Mr. Mean?” they asked:


 “Finally!” said the children. “Our champion has arrived!”


Fortunately, our hero was not involved in the tragic golf course incident
that befell the Democratic Congressional leadership:

 Our man was strong, but danger loomed straight ahead:

Uh oh! It’s the Fraud Squad!
Shield your eyes, children!
Don’t look at what they do to the truth:

 Oh, boy! That was scary!
They sure hate reality, don’t they?
Remember when they pretended somebody fell off the couch
because he had too many “pretzels”.

Yeah, right:


They really should be careful,
because lying so much gets you all weirded out: 

 Sometimes, don’t you wish the corporate journalists would
just go for a walk in Roswell, New Mexico:

 So here’s to you, mainstream media:


 Parenthetically, speaking of scary:


 But we digress.
When last we checked, our hero was under severe attack,
even from CRIMINALS!


 Children, can you say,
“Self-righteous jackasses should never commit drug-related felonies?”
I knew you could!

Fortunately, we can always tell who the bad guys are
because they bear “The Mark Of The Beast”:

 Enemies of democracy are the worst people of all,
especially when they sit on the Supreme Court.
Altogether now, boys and girls -
“I love you. You love me. We hate Tony and Sandy”:

 Following the theft of the presidency,
our country just didn’t seem quite the same:

 Once Mr. Mean began making the decisions, our Mommies and Daddies began losing their jobs, and our brothers and sisters began dying overseas. As Confucius sagely observed over two thousand years ago, “The wise man does not take an audience member from The Jerry Springer Show and make him a contestant on Jeopardy!

 Alas, we were stuck with a pretend president
who could only pretend to read:

And all his corruption made him wiggly-jiggly:

 He wasn’t smart and honorable, like our elected president:


So how did we set things right?
By making sure our parents voted “Yes”:



Don’t fret for Mr. Mean:


He was able to find a job:


 Of course, when the good guys carried the day,
 journalists like Ceci Connelly were down in the mouth:

 But for the first time in four years, America had a leader who didn’t view kids as being nuisance impediments to corporate tax cuts:


And all the little children were so overjoyed that
they danced and danced and danced and danced:

Don’t you just love a happy ending? How about you, Karl?



More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009