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Once Upon A Time, Frank Costanza went to the store to buy a doll for his son.
Seeing there was only one doll left, he grabbed it, but – alas  - so did another man.
As Frank rained blows upon the stranger, he thought that there must be a better way.
The doll was ultimately ripped to shreds, but from that tragedy a new holiday was born…

By David Podvin

That holiday is called “Festivus”, and it is an exhilarating time of implacable grudges and unabated strife. Yet another Festivus is already upon us, so it is again my privilege to bestow presents unto all the finest people. Please do not be offended if your name is missing from the gift list; you probably just are not trying hard enough to turn America into a country of which Dr. Mengele would be proud.

To Tom Ridge: A lovely new hue to add to your chromatic terror alert system. “Crawford Yellow” would be selected when things get so scary that the commander-in-chief is once again cowering in a Nebraska bunker.

To Lynn Cheney: A scholarship to charm school – STAT! Do you remember that jingle “Everybody doesn’t like something, but nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee?” Don’t take this the wrong way, but that “something” they are singing about is you.

To Karl Rove: A good civil attorney. When some half-wit refers to you as “turd blossom”, it’s time to sue for defamation of…never mind.

To Antonin Scalia: Black skin, a prosecutor who is falsely accusing you of a capital crime, and a drunken defense lawyer.

Ann Coulter: A long overdue Academy Award for Best Supporting…well, imagine my surprise! I recently started watching the 1986 cinematic classic “She-Males Of The John Birch Society”, and whom did I see? I now realize that you are the perfect wom-, uh, person to answer this question: When it is twelve inches long – technically - is it called a foot?

To Trent Lott: A lifetime membership in the “Hair Club For Men”, which I believe will provide access to better toupees than you have been getting from the “Hare Club For Men”.

A well-coiffed racist is a happy racist!

To Tom DeLay: A really cool new product that is suitable for use when hunting fugitive Texas Democratic legislators: the “grenade boomerang”.

To Bill Frist: One more animal on which to conduct your grotesque medical “research”. Instead of adopting cats under false pretenses from local animal shelters and then torturing them to death, you really should try something a little more challenging. Toward that end, I am sending you on safari with someone who shares your “pro-life” perspective. Read on, Kitten Slayer.

To Ted Nugent: A grizzly bear hunt that is truly for the most macho of males, and – of course – that could only refer to a pair of homophobic Republican he-men. You and Kitten Slayer will bravely track the great beast armed with nothing but your NRA membership cards, a .45 single of Cat Scratch Fever, and your wits. Luv ya. Miss ya.

To John Ashcroft: Paradise. Don McLean could just as easily have been thinking of our favorite Attorney General when he paid homage to another tormented genius: “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.” So true. A man of your superhuman moral strength deserves to reside in a utopia where all the statues are clothed like Amish spinsters, none of the felines are mottled, and the corn oil flows freely in great rivers upon the land. Oh, and the best part of all: in your personal Shangri-la, civil liberties will be nothing but a terrifying myth.

To Dick Cheney: A warm bucket of spit. Alben Barkley said that the vice presidency wasn’t even worth that, but he lacked your vision. From a position of seeming irrelevance, you successfully advocated policies that have led to increased poverty at home and widespread carnage abroad. You have accomplished this while personally enriching yourself at taxpayer expense and accusing anyone who noticed of being unpatriotic. I don’t care what the critics say, Great Man, your legacy is secure: You are to public service what Roman Polanski is to babysitting.

To Laura Ingraham: Industrial strength nasal decongestant. You’ve had that “cold” for over a decade now, girl! As Rikki Lake might say, “What up with that?” We know you aren’t chronically abusing cocaine, because an authoritative Heritage Foundation study recently concluded that one hundred percent of crimes are committed by Democrats. For the sake of America’s horny legislators, let’s certainly hope that your affliction is not terminal – Bob Torricelli isn’t the only politician who likes to travel with a “niece”.

To George Stephanopoulis: A career that was not established by stabbing your benefactor in the back. Snatch the pebbles from my hand. When you can do this, Grasshopper, and walk on the rice paper without leaving a trace, and some other crappy stunt that I can’t even remember offhand, then it will be time for you to go…all the way to Chappaqua, where you should get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

“Like the solitary dragonfly, a Shaolin priest must embrace the serenity of nature.
Like the tranquil carp, a Shaolin priest must flow peacefully through the currents of life.
Like the benign dove, a Shaolin priest must forever seek the path of nonviolence.
That having been said, if I were Clinton, I’d kick the little ingrate’s ass.”

To Peggy Noonan: The gift – the one and only gift – that could measurably improve your inimitable writing style…invisible ink.

To Bill Bennett: Enough virtue to belatedly acknowledge that you gamble in exactly the same way that you slander Democrats – with demented compulsion. Obviously, you have been denying the truth about your addiction in order to save face. However, let’s be brutally honest: yours is not a face worth saving.

To John Stossel: A prime time special in which you advocate simultaneously solving the so-called problems of  “childhood malnutrition” and “environmental degradation” by serving toxic waste in school lunch programs. Why? It just seems so “you”.

To Mary Matalin: A refresher course on the true meaning of “Marital Yin And Yang”. Pay close attention: Despite what you may have read in Dragon Ladies' Home Journal, the fact that your husband always tells the truth does not require you to harmonically balance the universe by always lying.

To Mel Gibson: Better character references, mate. This week, you were pronounced “definitely not anti-Semitic” by Patrick Buchanan. Rumor has it that next week your parenting skills are going to be praised as “exemplary” by Susan Smith.

To Dennis Miller: A protective cup, and something to put in it.

George W. Bush: Intelligence reports with phonetic (fa-net-ik) spelling and easy-to-read really big type to help you avoid committing all of those unfortunate impeachable offenses.   

To Tony Blair: A case of proboscis fecal remover. Better make that several cases. I have to believe that, in order for a liberal like you to brownnose Bush so assiduously, you must be familiar with a side of him the rest of us haven’t seen. But what could that possibly be?

“Just mosey on over here, Slimy Limey, and I’ll show
you a couple of REAL weapons of mass destruction.”

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009