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By David Podvin

Conservatives have belatedly realized what normal people understood from the start – that handing control of the federal government over to George W. Bush was about as rational as handing control of the island over to Gilligan. As a result, the GOP has now decided against turning the November congressional elections into a referendum on the accomplishments of the party’s feckless little buddy. Instead, the Republican strategy is to blame absolutely everything that has gone wrong during the last two years on the most diabolical fiend ever to draw a breath: yet-to-be convicted rapist, murderer, and traitor Bill Clinton.

The right wing song of woe goes something like this:

While perversely ensconced in his orgiastic love shack on Long Island, William Jefferson Clinton has covertly directed a systematic effort to achieve his sinister lifelong objective of destroying America. Toward that end, he has personally caused our nation to be terrorized by the agents of his close friend Osama bin Laden, wrecked the economy through the delayed impact of his 1993 tax hike on the rich and worthy, created a budget deficit by means that are not yet entirely clear but are definitely contemptibly rotten, and ruptured the stock market through the residual corrosive effect of his offensive socialist agenda. All of this has been accomplished while Clinton has continued to fornicate at a rate that defies the metabolism of someone who is actually a human being.

When he has not been busy arranging the contract killing of his own dog, Clinton and his wayward penis have devalued the concept of common decency to the point where the impressionable young executives who run Corporate America have felt compelled to lie and cheat and steal from their shareholders. Oh, most vile bastard from the deepest pits of Hell!

As I’ve always contended, Bill Clinton is to depravity what Bill Bennett is to virtue.

How must we loathe Slick Willie? Let me count the ways:


The current Clinton recession follows the glorious years of the 1993-2001 Reagan economic boom. The harmful effects of Clintonomics kicked in immediately after he left office; as any economist worth his salt can tell you, when you squander tax money on education for children instead of expanding the oil depletion allowance, eventually the chickens are going to come home to roost.


Clinton could have killed Osama, thereby sparing all of us from having to endure endless tributes to policemen and firefighters who were, after all, merely residents of a blue state. Instead, he chose to play grab ass with some chunky babe who doesn’t even believe in the divinity of Christ! The liberals like to point out that Bush had nine months in which to kill bin Laden and didn’t bother to try – isn’t it just like the Children Of The Sixties to pass the buck?


Leave it to Clinton to completely defund this nation’s armed forces, creating a faux surplus that was eliminated when President Bush had to use emergency money to restore our military strength. That never happened, you say? Fine, let’s try this one: If Clinton had given the entire surplus to the rich – as he should have – then Bush would have inherited a huge deficit. Therefore, those of you who are intellectually honest must admit that the surplus was illusory, and the current shortfall is really just the inevitable aftermath of Clinton’s fiscally irresponsible policies.


Clinton is so Machiavellian that he has gone out of his way to assist political opponents just in order to hurt the American people. The power industry consistently sided with his enemies in Congress, but that did not stop Clinton from secretly helping it to steal tens of billions of dollars during the energy crisis. He then diabolically removed all proof that he was involved, while deviously convincing Enron to become the number one campaign contributor to George W. Bush in order to throw people off the scent. Please consider just how rotten someone has to be to go to all that trouble for no apparent reason.


In March of 2000, when Clinton presented his last budget and it did not fully fund the Strategic Defense Initiative, the NASDAQ was above 5000. Now, with investors terrified at the prospect of being incinerated by North Korean ICBMs, the NASDAQ is below 1400. There are real world consequences to unilateral disarmament.


It is true that some of Clinton’s predecessors were flawed. James Buchanan enthusiastically supported the tortuous enslavement of blacks. Herbert Hoover refused to do anything to help starving Americans during the Great Depression. Richard Nixon illegally dragged Cambodia into the Vietnam War, resulting in the slaughter of two million innocent people. And nitpickers like to point out that the soil of Central America is still stained with the blood of peasants who were collateral damage during Ronald Reagan’s extra-Constitutional little war against democracy.

Look, no one expects a chief executive to be perfect. But only one president has been debauched to the point where he had oral sex in the Oval Office, an act so hideously malignant that experts at the Heritage Foundation have conclusively identified that precise moment in time as the catalyst for every abomination committed before or since.


Even with Clinton ostensibly in retirement, the unprecedented carnage that began during his presidential reign of terror continues unabated. Here is just a partial list of those who have “died” since he grabbed power on January 20, 1993:

Vince Foster…Frank Sinatra…Mother Theresa…Sonny Bono…Wilt Chamberlain…John Denver…Princess Diana…Chris Farley…De Forrest Kelly…John F. Kennedy, Jr…Ann Landers…Yitzhak Rabin…Andre the Giant…Werner Klemperer…Linda Lovelace…Carl Sagan…Iron Eyes Cody…Either Milli or Vanilli (I could never tell them apart)…Warren Burger…Jason Robards…Richard Nixon…Carroll O’Connor…Tupac Shakur…Roy Rogers…The Queen Mum…Dale Earnhardt…Virginia Kelley (his own mother!)...Gene Siskel …Linda McCartney…David Koresh …Nicole Brown Simpson…Joe DiMaggio…Tiny Tim…Secretariat…

As you can clearly see, there are no ethical limits that the sociopathic Mr. Clinton is unwilling to cross, nor moral boundaries that he is unwilling to breach. Anyone or anything that gets in his way is merely flotsam to be swept aside in a tidal wave of bloodshed.

Fortunately, Americans have a chance to set things right in November. By voting Republican, we can show that we are sophisticated enough to support goodness in lieu of badness. We can repudiate the evil that is Bill Clinton by voting against his party of enablers. In doing so, we will make a bold statement that we are against murder, rape, adultery, and lots of other icky stuff.

Some people might believe that it is disingenuous for conservatives to lay the blame for all the world’s ills at the feet of one man. A few might even consider such behavior to be compulsively disturbed, or irredeemably demented, if not outright psychotic.

Oh, yeah! Do you seriously expect the Republican Party to run on its two year record of war and recession, corruption and fraud, indifference and ineptitude? Admit it - that would be demented!

So let’s dispose of the cynical diversionary tactics and return to the real issues that concern the average American. As our friend Tom DeLay was about to explain, America's current environmental problems date back to when a teenage Bill Clinton was locking and loading in that grassy knoll…

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Last changed: December 13, 2009