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By David Podvin

csnakeanim.gif (17442 bytes)As I awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, I found I had been transformed in my bed into something reptilian. I had fangs that were filled with venomous poison. My tongue was forked. My mouth foamed, spewing forth bile. My blood ran cold. My instincts were now predatory. I intuitively realized that anyone who disagreed with me was dangerous and must be destroyed. When I tried to comprehend what had happened, the enormity of the situation suddenly overwhelmed me. “Oh, my God!” I screamed in horror. “I have become a conservative!”

My first impulse was to blame Bill Clinton - not just for this, but for all things. And if not him, I thought, then the wrongs of the world must certainly be the fault of teenage, crack addicted black welfare mothers who yearn to recruit public school students to alternative lifestyles that involve farm animals.

But, wait! This wasn’t like me. What was I doing? Blaming others for my misfortune? Scapegoating innocent people? Engaging in pernicious ethnic stereotypes? Exhibiting a reckless disregard for the truth?

Yes! That is exactly what I was doing. And it felt so right! Gone was the burden of so-called “fairness”. I now knew what was really fair - for me to get my way. Suddenly, being narrow minded and intolerant was a viable means to an end, like assassinating every effective liberal American leader of the 1960s.

I soon needed to slither outside and sun myself on a nearby rock. Gone was my weakness masquerading as a “social conscience”. Where once I had been emotionally vulnerable, I was now protected by the fortitude that can only be achieved through total indifference to the suffering of others. I saw things with absolute moral clarity, completely unencumbered by nuance. I recognized that it was my duty to speak on behalf of God.

Through my new incarnation as a conservative, I had finally gained the maturity to accept the fact that logic is for losers. I deplored humanity, but adored the unborn. I understood that if women were meant to have the right to vote, then they would be men. I realized that patriotism is not so much love of country, but a brutally effective political weapon with which to destroy anyone who dissents. I was able to hate the sin of homosexuality and still love the sinners, although my love for the sinners was somewhat tempered by my absolute disgust at their very existence.

By far, the most revealing new conservative insight was the realization that there is nothing wrong with America we can’t solve by ridding ourselves of the poor. Lack of money is merely the symptom of poverty; the root cause is lack of character. I now know that the wealthy have so much more money because they are so much more virtuous. It is equally true that poverty is created by moral decay. When taxpayers help the destitute to stay alive, we indulgently make ourselves feel better. In the process, however, we do a terrible disservice to homeless orphans, mentally disordered vagrants, quadriplegic war veterans, and the terminally ill by teaching them that it is unnecessary to become self-sufficient.

Rush Limbaugh has it just right: The last thing starving children need is free food – all they really require is intensive bible study and a swift kick in the ass. As the Heritage Foundation Report on the scandal of prepubescent welfare has documented, “There is no such thing as a free school lunch. Every penny that goes to provide milk for some kindergarten parasite is one less penny available for space-based missile defense.”

What had begun as a traumatic transformation for me now seemed like the natural order of things. Corporate America has been right all along: the law of the jungle is not just a shallow cliché – it really is the one true path to contentment.

Conservatives strongly believe in compassion, but we insist that it be based on the merit system. As Barry Goldwater so wisely observed, when you reward bad behavior, you get more of the same. It therefore stands to reason that, when you create special parking spaces for the handicapped, you are showing people it pays to be a cripple. When you tolerate Special Olympics, you are encouraging those who lack the athletic ability to compete in the real Olympics to become retards. In the name of empathy, well meaning but destructive liberals are turning America into a nation of freaks.

I was now exhausted but euphoric by my metamorphosis from mere primate to scaly champion of personal responsibility. The only negative aspect of the experience was the tormented screaming inner voices that had arrived with my newfound conservative perspective. Agonizing shrieks constantly reverberated in my head, and I soon understood why Justice Scalia had gone stark raving mad. Yet even the banshee wailing in my skull proved to be a blessing – it drowned out the much more disturbing voice of any subversive who tried to convince me I was wrong. I wearily checked under my bed for communists, and was pleasantly surprised to find that the coast was clear. I fell into a restful sleep by counting the number of child abuse prevention clinics that were closed last year by fiscal conservatives bravely waging the war against government waste.

I relate this serpentine story of personal growth to the reader in hopes that the shedding of my decadent liberal skin can inspire progressives to change their evil ways. Forsake the siren song of leftism, even though it means giving up your sincere desire to model the American family after Charles Manson and Squeaky Fromme. Choose instead to support the holy goal of the conservative movement: to revert to a simpler and more wholesome time, when everyone knew their place, and chose to embrace a pious societal norm for the good of our blessed nation (and because federal anti-lynching laws had not yet been enacted).

In the final analysis, the best part of conservatism isn’t cutting taxes for corporations while simultaneously bankrupting Social Security for everyone else. It isn’t decimating weaker countries around the world in the name of freedom while subverting democracy here at home. It isn’t cynically advocating free enterprise for the middle class while practicing socialism for the rich. It isn’t packing the federal courts with strict constructionists who make rulings by interpreting the original intent of the Republican platform. It isn’t even the joy of defunding shameful programs that provide handouts to the elderly who saved our country during World War II…but who are now basically geriatric deadweight.

No, all of those things are great, but the best part of being conservative – aside from the ability to catch flies with your tongue - is the rhetorical magic that transforms bigotry into ideology. You don’t hate the poor – you’re pro-supply side. You don’t hate blacks – you’re pro-states rights. You don’t hate homosexuals – you’re against special rights. You don’t hate Hispanics – you’re against illegal immigration. You don’t hate women – you opposed the Equal Rights Amendment because it would have required every American female to become a paratrooper. You don’t hate children – you accept the well documented fact that the more society spends on prenatal care and education, the worse things get for the little bastards. And you don’t hate endangered species – you love them so much you enthusiastically support policies that will create as many as possible.

What my recent experience has taught me is that conservatism is the very essence of God’s love. We praise you, Holy Savior, for intervening in the last election to provide our nation with a conservative president who is righteous enough to confiscate civil liberties first and ask questions later. We honor you, Almighty Lord, for providing our wonderful leader with sufficient nuclear and biological capability to – if necessary - annihilate every living thing on Earth. We exalt you, Beloved Prince of Peace, for guiding George W. Bush to realize that the world will be safe only when those of us who are filled with love obliterate those who are filled with hate - and also kill their offspring in order to minimize the potential for revenge.

It is no coincidence that Republican appears in the dictionary right after reptile. Nor was it by chance that we regained control of Congress under the leadership of someone named Newt. Join with us today, and together we can create a paradise based on the beautiful philosophy that is common to reactionary House members and reticulated Gila monsters: the survival of the fittest.

Tens of millions of conservatives - and tens of billions of reptiles - can’t possibly be wrong.

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Last changed: December 13, 2009