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By David Podvin

The age and health of the current Supreme Court justices make it likely that a new member will have to be nominated relatively soon. The following is a list of potential candidates who share the values of George W. Bush, and who therefore deserve to sit on the world’s most eminent ballot shredding tribunal:

Antonin Scalia – Here is a little known but important story about the last election. After the Republican convention, Karl Rove informed Bush that being president might require him to work for more than two hours a day. Bush panicked and attempted to deliberately lose the race by threatening the American public that he would appoint Supreme Court justices who were “just like Antonin Scalia”. The tactic worked, but a vengeful Scalia retaliated by writing a decision that forced Bush to accept the presidency even though he had lost the election.

Appointing Scalia to fill a second position on the Court would allow Bush to exact retribution by making the judge do twice as much work. This would have the additional benefit of giving the “right to bear arms” its proper place as the new First Amendment, since a Rehnquist court on which Scalia had two votes would immediately rule that the current First Amendment is unconstitutional.

Jenna Bush – She is almost always blind drunk. This is a positive factor, because it means that if Justice Scalia ever gets sick, then she can covertly write his opinions for him without anyone ever suspecting a thing. She lives by the creed that there should be one set of rules for the privileged elite, and a much less favorable set of rules for the masses of peons. This is another plus, because it guarantees that all forty nine Republican Senators and twelve Democrats will vote to confirm her.

One potential roadblock to her being nominated is that her personal behavior indicates she is extremely hostile to former governor Bush, and she rarely misses an opportunity to publicly humiliate him. This factor is partially offset by reports from inside the White House that Bush has spent so little time with her that he has difficulty remembering anything about her.

Bonnie and Clyde – A bold pair of selections in the event that two positions on the Court open simultaneously. They would be a dramatic departure from other recent conservative nominees because their reputations for being thieves were made before joining the Court. They are legally brain dead, which is good, because it means that they will be reliable votes to overturn Roe v. Wade.

The only real negative is that they robbed financial institutions by using guns, instead of employing the more socially acceptable Neil Bush method of embezzlement.

Joseph Wapner – George W. Bush has long had tremendous devotion to Judge Wapner. This reverence was the subject of a popular 1988 documentary that also featured Tom Cruise.

Tomas de Torquemada – Judge Torquemada compiled a strong record in opposition to the socially corrosive philosophy of secular humanism. As Grand Inquisitor in fifteenth century Spain, he was an unyielding opponent of judicial activism, except when it was used to punish nonconformity. This is a concept that remains extremely popular among conservatives. He rejected the discredited A.C.L.U. myth of a separation between church and state. He was in favor of prayer in public school; better yet, he was in favor of prayer everywhere, except in synagogues.

In 1490, Torquemada staged a famous show trial that involved eight Jews who were accused of having crucified a Christian child. No victim was ever identified and no body was ever found. All eight were convicted based on their confessions that were obtained through torture. They complained that their rights had been violated, but rather than being coddled with a lengthy appeals process, they were immediately burned at the stake.

Two years later, Torquemada convinced King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella to expel the remainder of the Jews from Spain. Obviously a Federalist Society member at heart, he might be too liberal for the Republican base.

Robert Blake – During the Karla Faye Tucker episode, Mr. Bush impressed humanitarians with his principled stand that the penalty of death needs to be applied to more women. This is a position with which Mr. Blake apparently strongly agrees.

Dr. Henry Jekyll - A brilliant and respected man, his research led him to drink a potion that he had concocted. At that point, he was transformed from being a productive and honorable member of society into a demented fiend whose crazed appetite for destruction led him to terrorize the unsuspecting citizenry and wreak havoc on the community at large.

Obviously, Dr. Jekyll has the ideal judicial temperament to become the sixth member of the conservative majority on the Court*.

*As long as he doesn’t run out of potion.

Tarzan, Lord Of The Apes – His adamant belief in the law of the jungle puts him well within the mainstream of contemporary conservative judicial thought. His experience in subjugating dark skinned people will be invaluable when the Court reviews the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Rosie Ruiz- For many years, she has been a role model for judicial conservatives. In 1980, she was unable to win the Boston Marathon by competing within the rules, so she cheated. Privately, Justice Kennedy has cited her philosophy as the legal rationale for his decision in Bush v. Gore.

King Solomon – On the positive side of the ledger, he has an impeccable reputation for wisdom and justice. On the negative side, there is nothing to indicate that he ever expressed a belief in the divinity of Christ. According to Mr. Bush, that means King Solomon is currently burning in Hell, which could create a controversy about residency requirements.

In order to resolve a custody dispute, he once threatened to cut a baby in half. The right to life movement will have to be reassured that he would never try to pull that stunt with a fetus.

Idi Amin – A black admirer of Hitler; what could be more Republican? This appointment would give George 43 a chance to outdo his father, George 41. Clarence Thomas merely hates black people; Amin eats them. When gutter level Democrats bring up that cannibalism thing, he can say, “I am the victim of a high tech lynching”, a confirmation strategy that is a proven winner. You can almost hear Joe Biden backpedaling now.

George W. Bush’s Invisible Friend – Mr. Bush could announce that he is nominating his invisible friend and secret companion, Johnnie Walker. Obviously, the shrill liberal extremists would scream bloody murder and use the old leftist argument that “invisible people don’t really exist”. However, the mainstream media and thoughtful moderate Democrats would note that the nominee’s equally invisible paper trail revealed no imperfections. In the words of Senator Feingold (D-Mars), “In the absence of any tangible evidence of malfeasance, a president is entitled to have his nominees confirmed.”

Although no one is ever absolutely certain how a Supreme Court justice will vote, it can safely be assumed that Mr. Walker would be a “strict constructionist”. This means that he would always vote with Justices Rehnquist, Scalia, and Thomas to uphold the “original intent” of the constitution, except in those instances where the “original intent” mistakenly conflicts with the right wing agenda.

He would be unable to write his own opinions as a result of suffering from the handicap that Mr. Bush terms “invisibleness”, but this affliction could help him to be confirmed. How many Democratic Senators would be willing to vote against a nominee just because he is handicapped? His invisibleness would actually be an asset in those cases that involve invisible evidence, such as the vandalism of the White House.

In any event, his opinions could be transcribed by someone who is completely trustworthy, like Katherine Harris.

The Antichrist – Ironically, this would be a wildly popular choice with the Religious Right. In the Holy Bible, the Antichrist is described as a brazen deceiver who presents himself as a man of great moral rectitude and who will be welcomed by many true believers. He will delude the people into submission and then commit unspeakable evil, for he is the “man of sin”, “The Beast”, “the most wicked one who has ever set foot on the earth”.

The only question is whether he will have time to serve on the court now that he is in the middle of writing The Book Of Virtues, Part 2.  

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Last changed: December 13, 2009