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THE NEXT JUSTICE OF THE U.S. SUPREME COURT
By David Podvin
The age and health of the current
Supreme Court justices make it likely that a new member will have to be
nominated relatively soon. The following is a list of potential candidates who
share the values of George W. Bush, and who therefore deserve to sit on the
world’s most eminent ballot shredding tribunal:
Antonin Scalia – Here
is a little known but important story about the last election. After the
Republican convention, Karl Rove informed Bush that being president might
require him to work for more than two hours a day. Bush panicked and attempted
to deliberately lose the race by threatening the American public that he would
appoint Supreme Court justices who were “just like Antonin Scalia”. The
tactic worked, but a vengeful Scalia retaliated by writing a decision that
forced Bush to accept the presidency even though he had lost the election.
Appointing Scalia to fill a second
position on the Court would allow Bush to exact retribution by making the judge
do twice as much work. This would have the additional benefit of giving the
“right to bear arms” its proper place as the new First Amendment, since a
Rehnquist court on which Scalia had two votes would immediately rule that the
current First Amendment is unconstitutional.
Jenna Bush – She
is almost always blind drunk. This is a positive factor, because it means that
if Justice Scalia ever gets sick, then she can covertly write his opinions for
him without anyone ever suspecting a thing. She lives by the creed that there
should be one set of rules for the privileged elite, and a much less favorable
set of rules for the masses of peons. This is another plus, because it
guarantees that all forty nine Republican Senators and twelve Democrats will
vote to confirm her.
One potential roadblock to her being
nominated is that her personal behavior indicates she is extremely hostile to
former governor Bush, and she rarely misses an opportunity to publicly humiliate
him. This factor is partially offset by reports from inside the White House that
Bush has spent so little time with her that he has difficulty remembering
anything about her.
Bonnie and Clyde
– A bold pair of selections in the event that two positions on the Court open
simultaneously. They would be a dramatic departure from other recent
conservative nominees because their reputations for being thieves were made before
joining the Court. They are legally brain dead, which is good, because it means
that they will be reliable votes to overturn Roe v. Wade.
The only real negative is that they
robbed financial institutions by using guns, instead of employing the more
socially acceptable Neil Bush method of embezzlement.
Joseph Wapner – George
W. Bush has long had tremendous devotion to Judge Wapner. This reverence
was the subject of a popular 1988 documentary that also featured Tom Cruise.
Tomas de Torquemada
– Judge Torquemada compiled a strong record in opposition to the socially
corrosive philosophy of secular humanism. As Grand Inquisitor in fifteenth
century Spain, he was an unyielding opponent of judicial activism, except when
it was used to punish nonconformity. This is a concept that remains extremely
popular among conservatives. He rejected the discredited A.C.L.U. myth of a
separation between church and state. He was in favor of prayer in public school;
better yet, he was in favor of prayer everywhere, except in synagogues.
In 1490, Torquemada staged a famous
show trial that involved eight Jews who were accused of having crucified a
Christian child. No victim was ever identified and no body was ever found. All
eight were convicted based on their confessions that were obtained through
torture. They complained that their rights had been violated, but rather than
being coddled with a lengthy appeals process, they were immediately burned at
Two years later, Torquemada
convinced King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella to expel the remainder of the Jews
from Spain. Obviously a Federalist Society member at heart, he might be too
liberal for the Republican base.
– During the Karla Faye Tucker episode, Mr. Bush impressed humanitarians with
his principled stand that the penalty of death needs to be applied to more
women. This is a position with which Mr. Blake apparently strongly agrees.
Dr. Henry Jekyll - A
brilliant and respected man, his research led him to drink a potion that he had
concocted. At that point, he was transformed from being a productive and
honorable member of society into a demented fiend whose crazed appetite for
destruction led him to terrorize the unsuspecting citizenry and wreak havoc on
the community at large.
Obviously, Dr. Jekyll has the ideal
judicial temperament to become the sixth member of the conservative majority on
*As long as he doesn’t run out of
Tarzan, Lord Of The Apes – His
adamant belief in the law of the jungle puts him well within the mainstream of
contemporary conservative judicial thought. His experience in subjugating dark
skinned people will be invaluable when the Court reviews the Voting Rights Act
For many years, she has been a role model for judicial conservatives. In 1980,
she was unable to win the Boston Marathon by competing within the rules, so she
cheated. Privately, Justice Kennedy has cited her philosophy as the legal
rationale for his decision in Bush v. Gore.
King Solomon – On
the positive side of the ledger, he has an impeccable reputation for wisdom and
justice. On the negative side, there is nothing to indicate that he ever
expressed a belief in the divinity of Christ. According to Mr. Bush, that means
King Solomon is currently burning in Hell, which could create a controversy
about residency requirements.
In order to resolve a custody
dispute, he once threatened to cut a baby in half. The right to life movement
will have to be reassured that he would never try to pull that stunt with a
Idi Amin – A
black admirer of Hitler; what could be more Republican? This appointment would
give George 43 a chance to outdo his father, George 41. Clarence Thomas merely
hates black people; Amin eats them. When gutter level Democrats bring up that
cannibalism thing, he can say, “I am the victim of a high tech lynching”, a
confirmation strategy that is a proven winner. You can almost hear Joe Biden
George W. Bush’s Invisible
Friend – Mr. Bush could
announce that he is nominating his invisible friend and secret companion,
Johnnie Walker. Obviously, the shrill liberal extremists would scream bloody
murder and use the old leftist argument that “invisible people don’t really
exist”. However, the mainstream media and thoughtful moderate Democrats would
note that the nominee’s equally invisible paper trail revealed no
imperfections. In the words of Senator Feingold (D-Mars), “In the absence of
any tangible evidence of malfeasance, a president is entitled to have his
Although no one is ever absolutely
certain how a Supreme Court justice will vote, it can safely be assumed that Mr.
Walker would be a “strict constructionist”. This means that he would always
vote with Justices Rehnquist, Scalia, and Thomas to uphold the “original
intent” of the constitution, except in those instances where the “original
intent” mistakenly conflicts with the right wing agenda.
He would be unable to write his own
opinions as a result of suffering from the handicap that Mr. Bush terms
“invisibleness”, but this affliction could help him to be confirmed. How
many Democratic Senators would be willing to vote against a nominee just because
he is handicapped? His invisibleness would actually be an asset in those cases
that involve invisible evidence, such as the vandalism of the White House.
In any event, his opinions could be transcribed by someone who is completely
trustworthy, like Katherine Harris.
The Antichrist –
Ironically, this would be a wildly popular choice with the Religious Right. In
the Holy Bible, the Antichrist is described as a brazen deceiver who presents
himself as a man of great moral rectitude and who will be welcomed by many true
believers. He will delude the people into submission and then commit unspeakable
evil, for he is the “man of sin”, “The Beast”, “the most wicked one
who has ever set foot on the earth”.
The only question is whether he
will have time to serve on the court now that he is in the middle of writing The
Book Of Virtues, Part 2.
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