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By David Podvin

William Bennett:
   “One of the things that’s disparaged in our day is the shotgun wedding. Turns out those marriages probably stay together at a higher rate than these ‘voluntary marriages’.”

Coerced marriages. I like the concept. Very virtuous.

Here are some of the weddings that my shotgun and I will be arranging:

    Katherine Harris – O.J. Simpson; Newt Gingrich – Lorena Bobbitt; Jesse Helms – Tonya Harding; Mary Bono – Robert Blake; Sandra Day O’Connor – Marquis de Sade; Ari Fleischer – Squeaky Fromme; Ann Coulter – Idi Amin; Peggy Noonan – Claus von Bulow; William Bennett  – Ebola Virus.

Jerry Falwell:
   “The Antichrist is among us, and he is Jewish.”

Damn! The Jewish factor completely ruins my Jerry Mathers theory.

Cal Thomas:
“Jeffords won his Senate race by running on the Bush agenda. It is unethical for him to turn his back on Vermonters who elected him on that agenda.”

   Jeffords got 66% of the vote in Vermont

   Bush got 41% of the vote in Vermont.

   If Jeffords ran on the “Bush agenda”, then what the hell did Bush run on?

Tim Russert:
   “Senator Daschle, in the spirit of bipartisanship, shouldn’t you pledge not to run for president in 2004?”

You have perfectly, though cluelessly, captured the true spirit of bipartisanship, Poppin’ Fresh.

When have you ever publicly asked whether, in the spirit of bipartisanship, George W. Bush should pledge not to run for president in 2004? Your deceitful double standard towards the two parties on everything from adultery and lying under oath to campaign fundraising and election fraud is beginning to lose its boyish charm.

The fact that Daschle was unwilling to aggressively confront your slavish pro- Republican bias proves once again that he is a gerbil.

Too bad, Timmy, that you’re not Richard Gere.

George Will:
“George W. Bush is doing as president exactly what he promised voters he would do.”

Bush promised that he would “restore honor and integrity” to the White House. Instead, he has lied about everything from vandalism to carbon emissions. Worse, he has sold public policy to the highest bidder on taxes, energy, the environment, and national defense.

He pledged to leave no child behind, then cut funding for pediatric hospitals and child abuse prevention programs.

He promised a “humble” foreign policy. The word that is being used around the world, by friends and foes, is “arrogant”.

The list is endless, but the point is made.

You handle the truth as though it has leprosy.

John Stossel:
“There is increasing consensus among Americans that government is bad.”

That has always been the consensus among those of you Americans who believe that tobacco executives are this nation’s most persecuted class. However, opinion polls show that a majority of Americans want to have more public services. And a majority voted that way on Election Day.

In other words, John, you’ve been caught lying. Again.

ABC News refers to you as their “token conservative”.

By that standard, Jiang Zemin is China’s token Asian.

Chris Bury:
“The Democratic party’s position on the energy issue is poll driven. In order to sway public opinion, the Democrats have resorted to tricks, like showcasing the plight of average families.”

Bastards! Showcasing the plight of average families? Just when you think that the Democrats cannot possibly sink to a lower level of depravity, they start showcasing the plight of average families!

What Democratic chicanery is next? Advocating programs to help the “average American”? Promoting government “of, by, and for the people?” Where is it going to end?

Fortunately, the titans at ABC News are onto their sick little game.

William Schneider: 
   “It’s a difference of degree. With Clinton, there was an understanding that you could sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom if you gave; (at Cheney’s White House fundraiser) they gave money without knowing that they’d get an invitation.”

They were absolutely positive that they’d get an invitation.

They didn’t know whether they would get an invitation to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom.

They did know that they would get an invitation to rape American consumers with absolute impunity. They knew that they would get an invitation to violate anti-trust laws without fear of prosecution. They knew that they would get an invitation to pollute the environment without being held accountable. They knew that they would get an invitation to break labor laws without being punished. And they definitely knew that they would get an invitation to raid the treasury.

But since they won’t be sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom, no problem.

By the way, Bill, any plans to resume that shrimping career with Lieutenant Dan?

William Bennett (he’s back): 
   “Albert Arnold Gore Jr. is a habitual liar.”

During the 1970s, there was an evangelist named Billy James Hargis. He preached against the evils of communism and the abomination of homosexuality, not necessarily in that order. He claimed that being “gay” was really just a flimsy cover for pedophilia. Tragically, he lost his thriving ministry when he was discovered to be sleeping with college students who were not coeds.

In other words, Rev. Hargis publicly proclaimed himself to be morally superior, but he was actually a pompous deceiver who was doing the very thing that he falsely accused others of doing.

But I digress…

Andrew Sullivan: 
   “Since even the poorest today enjoy health and prosperity unknown to the middle class a generation ago, you’d think government’s role might shrink as the resources of private wealth make it increasingly unnecessary.”

Homeless people today enjoy health and prosperity unknown to the middle class a generation ago?

You are the poster child for dementia.

Your statement reveals that you have attained a level of ignorance that is unique in the human experience. There has never been a mammal less acquainted with reality than you. Your poverty of intellect is unsurpassed in recorded history.

Michael Medved:
“Everyone is in favor of finding a cure for paralysis and Parkinson’s disease, but not at the expense of the sanctity of the unborn. Dead aborted fetuses should not be used for stem cell research. While curing disease is important, that must not come at the expense of honoring dead aborted fetuses.”

 I apologize, Andrew.

Rush Limbaugh:
   “The only difference between the Clinton Administration and a sack of manure is the sack.”

This wistful promo for your program is being heard across America on a daily basis – months after President Clinton left office.

Temperature’s rising…fever is high...can’t see no future…can’t see no sky…

I understand that it’s gotten so bad (…body is aching…goose pimple bone…) that you actually missed a meal – an act of compassionate conservatism that doubtlessly spared the lives of billions of plankton.

Methadone won’t work in this case, big boy.

There’s only one answer. You need fresh material on the former president – STAT – or you’re going to wind up at the Betty Ford Center with the worst case of the shakes since St. Andreas.

Fortunately, God, in His infinite wisdom, has provided the way.

The Clinton Library is currently accepting resumes. It needs to fill a position for which you are perfectly suited. It is an assignment that will give you much needed access to new information about the former president. There is the potential for a scandal that would dwarf the Lewinsky matter. The job is ideal for someone of your talents.


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Last changed: December 13, 2009