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JUST IN CASE THEY DIDN’T HEAR ME
SCREAMING BACK AT THEM THROUGH
By David Podvin
“Monicagate is worse than Watergate.”
Move over, Rain Man. Move over, Forrest Gump.
“Nothing that President Bush does seems to be good enough for the
This is true. Bush goes out of his way to break his promise on carbon emissions, and to allow salmonella poisoning in school food, and to lie about global warming, and to support offshore oil drilling, and to actively discourage energy conservation, and to open the national parks to plunder by his campaign contributors, and to insist on destroying the Arctic Wildlife Preserve, and to gut the Endangered Species Act, and to allow unsafe levels of arsenic in the drinking water…
Yet, even after he takes the time and makes the effort
to do all of these wonderful things for them, those ungrateful environmentalist
malcontents continue to nitpick.
“All of these reports out of Florida about voter
fraud and people being kept away from the polls – there is no proof. It’s a
lot of hearsay.”
The American correspondents for the BBC actually
traveled to Florida. They interviewed voters who had grievances. They attended
the hearings about Election Day irregularities. Their research documented
massive Republican vote fraud, with a special emphasis on depriving African
Americans of their voting rights.
Of course, the BBC reporters had an unfair advantage
over you. They are not Rupert Murdoch’s token Afro Saxon whose assigned task
is to condemn the African American community at every opportunity.
We are ultimately left to decide whether it is more
plausible that tens of thousands of black Floridians suffered simultaneous
psychotic episodes on Election Day, or whether it is more plausible that you are
willing to slander your own people for personal profit.
Andy Rooney (about
Hillary Clinton at the last State of the Union
“She’s looking at him (Bush) and she’s thinking, “I wish he were
That is exactly what Hillary must have been thinking.
She married an extraordinarily articulate Rhodes scholar because she was
yearning for the George W. Bush type. Hillary was doubtlessly also thinking that
she and Bush could have enjoyed having three daughters together, one of whom
would not be a falling down drunk.
“Bill Clinton is the worst human being ever to occupy the White
You are implying that Richard Nixon was not human. A PBS documentary about George Wallace revealed that, immediately after the Alabama Governor was shot, Nixon convened an urgent White House meeting to plan how his operatives could plant evidence in the home of assassin Arthur Bremer. The goal was to falsely implicate Democratic front-runner George McGovern in the crime. This was part of what Judge John Sirica ruled was a “well documented felony conspiracy to misuse the FBI, the CIA, the Justice Department, the Attorney General’s Office, and the Internal Revenue Service” in order to destroy anyone whom Nixon viewed as a political threat.
His phony “secret plan” to end the Vietnam War led
to the unnecessary deaths of more than forty thousand Americans and over one
million Vietnamese. He was an adulterer, a wife beater, and a vicious bigot who
is heard on the Watergate tapes profanely disparaging every conceivable group
except Quakers born in Whittier. Amazingly, this is just the tip of the iceberg
(He was a founding father of McCarthyism, he spread rumors that Hubert Humphrey
was gay, he forged documents in an attempt to break up Scoop Jackson’s
marriage, he ordered the West Coast Director of the IRS to “audit all the
Jews”, and so much more. The Watergate tapes reveal that Nixon was the Will
Rogers of malice; he never met an evil act that he didn’t like).
Unless Nixon was a space alien, no president since
James Buchanan can even compete for the coveted title of Worst Human President.
And since your slander of Clinton is largely based on Juanita Broaddrick’s
unsubstantiated charge that he raped her, it becomes relevant that Selene
Walters accused Ronald Reagan of raping her in the 1950s. That charge was never
proven, either. However, given that you choose to believe Ms. Broaddrick’s
allegation, then Ms. Walters deserves similar courtesy in her charges against
Clinton willingly suffered greatly for representing the
interests of the common people, something that no Republican since Theodore
Roosevelt has been willing to do. And Clinton is one of the presidents who never
owned slaves. As a point of intellectual curiosity, when you were doing your
careful study of presidential virtue, did you count that factor as a plus or a
If you take into account the overriding moral
imperative of refusing to deliberately harm the very people who voted for you in
order to reward your campaign contributors, then Bill Clinton is not even the
worst human being to be president in the last five months.
Of course, George, you might one day occupy the Oval
Office, in which case there will be no further dispute about which president was
the worst human being.
“The vandalizing of the White House, together with the trashing of Air
Force One, has left a bitter parting legacy for ex-President Clinton.”
That’s because he’s the worst
human being ever.
And you’re the worst reporter ever.
There was no vandalism. There was no trashing. As soon
as President Clinton’s spokesperson challenged the Bush liars (your sources)
to produce evidence, the story magically evaporated.
retracted. You never apologized. You are unprofessional. You are unethical.
In fact, you are so woefully inept that you should be
the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board.
“Vice President Gore’s acceptance speech was far
too liberal and too oriented toward class warfare. It’s not going to help him
close the gap on Governor Bush.”
Nice call. The next Gallup Poll revealed that Gore had
received the biggest post-convention bounce in American political history.
However, if misery loves company, then you should be euphoric. Every other
pundit on network TV agreed with you. You’ve already learned the first rule of
survival in your new career - no talking head ever lost his job for mindlessly
parroting the party line.
“Except for Joe Lieberman, every speaker at the Democratic Convention
was a liar.”
You’ve come a long way from your
days as a Senate Democratic staffer. You are now a member in good standing of
the ever-growing legion of erstwhile Democrats appearing on TV in order to
belittle and betray the people who made your careers possible. If you, Chris
Matthews, Robert Reich, Patrick Caddell, George Stephanopoulis, and Tim Russert
ever need an agent, then the one with the ideal work experience to represent all
of you would be listed in the phone book under Iscariot.
Paul Gigot (about
the Republicans shutting down the Miami-Dade recount):
“They charged into the building shouting, ‘Shut it down. Shut it
down.’ And they did! It was exhilarating – kind of like a Bourgeois riot!”
Bourgeois riot – a violent public disorder by people
racially correct, as opposed to the bad kind of
riot by those who are not eligible to join the
Fascism – a political philosophy that stands for the
Opposition by the use of force.
You had better do your gloating about the theft
of voting rights from minorities now, Paul, because you’re just annoying
enough to inspire this headline later:
FROM THE AFTERLIFE:
GANDHI, DR. KING PUMMEL GIGOT
More David Podvin
Podvin, the Series