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7/15/03


 

Make Them Accountable
IN PROUD NON-ASSOCIATION WITH
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Presents

 The 2nd annual
Crappys!

 

AMERICA’S MOST COVETED AWARDS FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN
Corporate Reporting And Political Punditry

 

The
“Oh, My god…it’s alive! Frankenstein’s monster is alive!”
award

And the winner is…
The Washington Post

“Howard Dean was angry. Ropy veins popped out of his neck, blood rushed to his cheeks, and his eyes, normally blue-gray, flashed black, all dilated pupils…”

 

The
 “did I just say that you are fat and ugly?
 I thought I was just thinking it.”
award

And the winner is…
Brit Hume

“Look at who’s getting all the cheers at the big Democratic events. Look at the speeches that the Democratic core faithful like most…. It’s the anti-American stuff... I mean, anti-war stuff. I won’t say ‘anti-American’.”

 

The
“I ran out of gas! I had a flat tire! I didn't have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn't come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! it wasn’t my fault. I swear to god!”
 Award

And the winner is…
Walter Isaacson

“(The media) made some mistakes during the Clinton years, but that is what happens when journalists are being lied to. If the Democrats want to blame someone for their bad (press) coverage, they should blame themselves.”

 

The
“is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
award

And the winner is…
Chris Matthews

"President Bush looked good in that flight suit. Damn good. Very masculine, if you know what I mean. I mean, is there a Democratic candidate who would look that manly? I think that may be a rhetorical question.”

 

the
“Sometimes I sing and dance around the house in my underwear. Doesn't make me Madonna. Never will.”
Award

And the winner is…
Neil Cavuto

(graciously replying to a Paul Krugman column
that suggested journalists should be objective):

“And by the way, you sanctimonious twit, no one -- no one -- tells me what to say. I say it. And I write it. And no one lectures me on it. Save you, you pretentious charlatan…Nowhere does it ever occur to you, one can legitimately not agree with you. That doesn't make me less of a journalist. But, Mr. Krugman, it does make you more of an ass. Here's the difference: You insinuated it, I just said it…Now may I suggest you take your column and shove it?”

 

The
“invasion of the body snatchers!”
governor’s medallion

And the winner is…
Bill O’Reilly

"I am not a conservative. I am a moderate. Many people consider me to be a liberal, in the true sense of the term. Having me on the air provides balance to some of the rabid dogs of the far right."

 

the
"Your boy's... different, Miz Gump. His IQ's 75..."
 award

And the winner is…
Lowell Ponte

"Jimmy Carter is therefore part of the reason why Osama bin Laden operatives slammed airliners into the World Trade Center and Pentagon last September 11th. And yet, with the blood of perhaps a million people dripping from his hands, Jimmy Carter continues to stalk the world in his sick quest to be given a Nobel Peace Prize. In fact, Jimmy Carter arguably has done more to undermine and destroy world peace than any other human being now alive."

 

The
“They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, ‘Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.’”
award

And the winner is...
Ann Coulter

“We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate
liberals by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors."

 

The
"By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William II, I pronounce you husband and wife. Proceed with the execution.”
award

And the winner is…
 Dr. Laura Schlessinger

"You realize that (Bill and Hillary Clinton) are perverse, disturbed and destructive. And immoral...”

 

The
“what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.”
Award

And the winner is…
Margaret Carlson

“What should have been a solemn ceremony turned into a counterproductive pep rally that probably cost the Democrats the election. Let me assure you of this – if Senator Wellstone had conducted his own memorial service, it would have turned out completely differently.”

(Note from the Academy: If Senator Wellstone had conducted his own memorial service, it would have made for truly riveting television.)

 

The
“slowly, almost imperceptibly, as the full moon started to rise, I could feel my blood begin to rage…I soon realized that I was losing my mind.”
award

And the winner is…
The Associated Press

11/11/01 "…a full, statewide recount of all undervotes and overvotes could have erased Bush's 537-vote victory and put Gore ahead by a tiny margin ranging from 42 to 171 votes, depending on how valid votes are defined."

8/25/02 "…some unofficial ballot inspections paid for by consortiums of news agencies showed Bush winning (Florida) by varying margins."

 

The
“Darling! Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, ‘I'm not gonna hurt ya.’ I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the fuck in! Ha, ha!”
award

And the winner is…
Rush Limbaugh

“Way to demoralize the troops, Senator (Tom Daschle)! What more do you want to do to destroy this country than what you've already tried? It is unconscionable what this man has done! This stuff gets broadcast around the world, Senator. What do you want your nickname to be? Hanoi Tom? Tokyo Tom? You name it, you can have it apparently. You sit there and pontificate on the fact that we're not winning the war on terrorism when you and your party have done nothing but try to sabotage it, which you are continuing to do. This little speech of yours yesterday, and this appearance of yours on television last night, let's call it what it is. It's nothing more than an attempt to sabotage the war on terrorism for your own personal and your party's political gain. This is cheap. And it's beneath even you. And that's pretty low."

 

The
“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
award

And the winner is…
Howard Kurtz

“I simply don’t agree (with Tom Daschle) that Limbaugh is inflammatory...”

 

The
I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists!
award

And the winner is…
G. Gordon Liddy

“For years, conservatives have played by the rules while liberals have lied, cheated, and broken the law to win by any means necessary. Well, my friends, it is time for the good guys to take off the gloves and start getting a little down and dirty.”

 

the
“What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. Let me tell you something: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos.”
award

And the winner is…
Ceci Connelly

"(The toppling of the Saddam Hussein statue in Baghdad was)…just sort of that pure emotional expres­sion, not choreographed, not stage-managed, the way so many things these days seem to be. Really breathtaking..."

(Click here to see the stage-managed toppling.)

 

The
Home. I have no home. hunted...despised...living like an animal -- the jungle is my home! But I will show the world that I can be its master. I shall perfect my own race of people -- a race of atomic supermen which will conquer the world!”
award

And the winner is…
Michael Medved

“Do you know who is really persecuted in America? I am. You are. Law-abiding conservatives are treated like garbage, while the scum get the red carpet treatment. The liberals who are destroying America better watch out, because there is a rising tide of anger against them, and when that anger is unleashed by millions of patriots, well, let’s just say there are brighter days ahead.”

 

The
"and now, prepare to experience the fury of my fists of death.”
award

And the winner is…
Tammy Bruce

"Liberals are yucky.”

 

The
“Harry hates everybody. Limeys, Nips, Hebes, Fat Dagos, Niggers, Honkies, Chinks, you name it.

award

And the winner is…
Charles Krauthammer

“The truth be known, the primary cause of racism in this country is multi-culturalism.”

 

the
"this isn’t a hospital – it’s an insane asylum!”
citation of merit

And the winner is…
Dennis Prager

“The liberal elite ridicules religious conservatives as being superstitious primitives, but it is actually the other way around. It is the left that believes in superstitious nonsense, and it is called ‘socialism’. Yet they criticize those of us who believe in God. The fact is, Uri Geller was in this studio and I personally witnessed him using the power of his mind to bend spoons. He says that he is tapping into the power of God, and I saw him do it, and I know that it is real. If the left is critical of that, it just goes to prove again that the difference between liberals and conservatives is that liberals are emotional and conservatives are rational.”

 

The
“You have sunk lower than frog shit on the bottom of
a New Jersey scum swamp!”
award

And the winner is…
Dennis Miller

"If (George W. Bush is) watching, I think you're doing a helluva job. I'm proud you're my president. ...I think there are a lot more people out here on your side than you may think."

 

The
“I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”
award

And the winner is…
Diane Sawyer

"Ashamed? Ashamed? Do you feel awful about using that word about the president of the United States?"

 

The
“Okay, so you're probably going, ‘Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?’ But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl!”
award

And the winner is…
Larry Elder

"Have you seen (Nancy Pelosi’s) clothes? Her hair? I mean – GOD!”

 

The
“I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt
and with... geometric logic...!”
 award

And the winner is…
Michael Reagan

"The unemployed…the unemployed…the unemployed…the unemployed! I have the answer for the unemployed. Do you know what the unemployed should do? They should stop wallowing in self-pity and get a job."

 

The
 “that cat shaft is one bad motherfucker.”
award

And the winner is…
Howard Fineman

"President Bush said he is going to kill the terrorists, and I believe him. If I were a terrorist, Don, I would be very, very afraid of President Bush. He’s one tough Texan!”

 

The
“Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.”
Award

And the winner is…
Peggy Noonan

Mr. Clinton's very smoothness, the fact that he was at his best doing shtick for the media, was vulgar. Mr. Bush is more like a president: boring. Presidents should be boring.”

 

The
“Avoid, rather than check. Check, rather than hurt. Hurt, rather than maim. Maim, rather than kill. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced.”
award

And the winner is…
Michael Savage

"There are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world; they can handle it if we have to kill about 200 million of them.”

 

The
 “Infidel Defilers. They shall all drown in lakes of blood!”
award

And the winner is…
Cal Thomas

"Liberals are jumping all over (Bill) Bennett for being a hypocrite…Bennett’s critics really hate what he said, more than who he is.  That’s because they have little interest in the things of God."

 

The
“here’s to plain thinking and clear understanding.”
award

And the winner is…
Mona Charen

"Bill Clinton is responsible for 9/11 because, if he had killed Osama bin Laden,
then Osama would be dead.”

 

The
“When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said ‘rabies.’ She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a great dane..”
award

And the winner is…
Fred Barnes

"President Bush did not lie in the State of the Union Address. He misspoke. There was just a, uh, misunderstanding. He was, you know…misinformed.”

 

The
 “where is the cannes film festival being held this year?”
award

And the winner is…
Mark Shields

"The president (Bush) makes people feel proud to be Americans. Even those of us on the other side of the political aisle should thank him for that."

 

The inaugural crappy
 “Gordon gecko Lifetime achievement”
 award

And our distinguished honoree is…
Mr. Tim Russert

 For a spectacular career based on a magnificent body of work that features distortions, double standards, and lies, every one of which has been designed to enrich himself by advancing the political agenda of General Electric. It is impossible to acknowledge all of the impressively deceitful performances that have been delivered by this legend, so we have chosen the classic “Tim Russert Moment” that best exemplifies the essence of his greatness. Picture the scene – America has just been terrorized, primarily because George W. Bush agreed with Tom DeLay that the Democratic proposal to increase spending on airport security stank of the repugnant odor of socialism. As the charred remains of thousands of innocent Americans lay smoldering in the twisted wreckage, which hard-hitting question did our favorite moderator repeatedly insist must be answered in order to get to the bottom of the worst lapse of security in this nation’s history? Let’s go to the videotape-

Russert: “How much responsibility does Bill Clinton bear for this tragedy?”

Tim, you’re the greatest. And so, it is with tremendous admiration that we present to you this handsome gold statuette featuring the likeness of Sir Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet and the inspiration for these awards…well, along with Judy Woodruff. God bless you, and keep on flushing reality right down the commode. No one does it half as good as you; baby, you’re the best.

 (At this point in the proceedings, the worshipful audience rises as one in a moving tribute – except for Christopher Hitchens, who lies on the floor as one in a drunken stupor.)

 

Which brings us to our final presentation…

 the
“th-th-th-that’s all, folks”
award

 And the winner is…
Robert Novak

 "Liberals should be so ashamed of themselves. It is just wrong to constantly carp and nitpick at the President of the United States. It’s just wrong."

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series

 


Last changed: December 13, 2009