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3/24/02


 

Make Them Accountable

IN PROUD NON-ASSOCIATION WITH
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Presents

The crappys!

 AMERICA’S MOST COVETED AWARDS FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN
Corporate Reporting And Political Punditry

 the
I take my coffee black, like my men”
award

And the winner is…
Rush Limbaugh

“If you take away the black vote, Bush won in a landslide.”

The
"I've wrestled with reality for thirty-five years, and I'm happy, Doctor, I finally won out over it"
award

And the winner is…
Peter Jennings

 "I'm always struck by the fact that there are not enough conservative voices in mainstream broadcasting.”

 The
"throw mama from the train”
Award

And the winner is…
Michael Medved

 “It makes me sick to my stomach to see these Hollywood actresses like Jodie Foster running around with their celebrity bastard babies. These children must be stigmatized. Those of us with conservative religious values have to do something about these unwed mothers.”

 The
“I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am”
Award

And the winner is…
Richard Berke

 Many Democrats who once dismissed Mr. Bush as too naive and too dependent on advisers to steer the United States through an international crisis are now praising his and his advisers’ performance. Some are even privately expressing satisfaction that Mr. Gore, who tried to make his foreign affairs expertise an issue in the campaign, did not win.

The
“I love the smell of napalm in the morning”
award

And the winner is…
Rich Lowry

"Lots of sentiment for nuking Mecca. . . .Mecca seems extreme, of course, but then again few people would die and it would send a signal. Religions have suffered catastrophic setbacks before.”

 the
“don’t ever go against the family, fredo”
award

And the winner is…
Howard Fineman

“One day (Gore) was in the conservative blue suit, the next he was playing lumberjack at the VFW hall in New Hampshire. This is a guy who, because of his upbringing and his attitude toward politics and maybe something about his life story, just doesn’t seem always to be of one piece, doesn't really always know who he wants to be in public…

Dubyah loves to wear the uniform—whatever the correct one happens to be for a particular moment. I counted no fewer than four changes of attire during the day trip we took to Fort Campbell in Kentucky and back…We saw, among other things, a leader who is utterly comfortable in his role... He’s a boomer product of the ‘60s—but doesn’t mind ermine robes… Bush envelops himself in the trappings of office. Maybe that’s because he’s seen it from the inside since his dad served as Reagan’s vice president in the ‘80s. The presidency is a family business.”

The
“insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops

Award

And the winner is…
Ann Coulter

Airports scrupulously apply the same laughably ineffective airport harassment to Suzy Chapstick as to Muslim hijackers. It is preposterous to assume every passenger is a potential crazed homicidal maniac. We know who the homicidal maniacs are. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now.

We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war.

The
"What do you mean, I'm funny?...You mean the way I talk? What?...Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?...But I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How'm I funny??...How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what's funny!..."
award

And the winner is…
Geraldo Rivera

 "If I see bin Laden, I’m personally going to shoot
and kill him with my gun."

 The
“Why don’t you come up and see me some time?”
award

And the winner is...
Cokie Roberts

"I am, I will just confess to you, a total sucker for the guys who stand up with all the ribbons on and stuff, and they say it's true and I'm ready to believe it. We had General Shelton on the show the last day he was chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and I couldn't lift that jacket with all the ribbons and medals. And so when they say stuff, I tend to believe it."

The
“one flew over the cuckoo’s nest”
award

And the winner is…
Thomas Friedman

 "I was a critic of Rumsfeld before, but there's one thing ...  that I do like about Rumsfeld. He's just a little bit crazy, OK? He's just a little bit crazy, and in this kind of war, they always count on being able to out-crazy us, and I'm glad we got some guy on our bench that our quarterback -- who's just a little bit crazy, not totally, but you never know what that guy's going to do, and I say that's my guy."

 the
“Rommel, you magnificent bastard! I read your book!”
award

And the winner is…
Patrick Buchanan

“America will by the end of this century no longer be dominated by whites of European descent. That is a recipe for the destruction of our country. We are a white, European nation. That’s what made us great. When we stop being that, we’ll stop being great.”

the
“Oh! You cursed brat. Look what you've done. I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness"
governor’s medallion

And the winner is…
John Fund

 Pro-life, forty something John Fund of the Wall Street Journal vilified forty something Bill Clinton for his affair with twenty something Monica Lewinsky. Mr. Fund then seduced twenty something Morgan Pillsbury, who was the daughter of his former lover. When Fund learned that he had impregnated Morgan, he pressured her to have an abortion.  Fund is reportedly very upset
(that Pillsbury has tattled).

The
“looks like I picked a bad week to go senile”
award

And the winner is….
John Derbyshire

 "Brace yourself: I hate Chelsea Clinton…She has not looted the White House, lied under oath, bombed an aspirin factory in Africa to get her personal legal problems off the front pages, raped anybody, used public employees to pimp for her, sold the Department of Defense to the Chinese Communist Party for cold cash, taken a fat bribe dressed up as a 'commodities trade,' or written a book arguing that parents cannot be trusted to raise their children. I note, however, that she doesn't deserve any credit for not having done these things; 
she just hasn't had time yet."

the
"a primitive tribe found the coke bottle and worshipped it as a god"
award

And the winner is…
Peggy Noonan

 "George W. Bush is respectful, moderate, commonsensical, courteous…He is a modest man of faith. He has dignity. And he has a kind of joshy gravitas.…He has a new weight, a new gravity, a new physical and moral comfort…. He possesses a sharp and intelligent instinct, an inner shrewdness…He is emotionally and intellectually mature."

 The
"Hey, don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love"
Award

And the winner is…
William Bennett

 “Bill Clinton spent eight years in the White House having sex…
…WITH WOMEN!!!”

 The
"I'd hate to take a bite out of you. 
You're a cookie full of arsenic"
award

And the winner is…
Ceci Connolly

 (About Al Gore’s beard):
“Looks like he’s ready to go, but go where? 
Back to Europe with his backpack?”

The
“I don't know how to run a newspaper, Mr. Thatcher.
I just try everything I can think of”
Award

And the winner is…
Leonard Downie

 Washington Post November 12, 2001:

PAGE ONE
"STUDY SHOWS RECOUNT 
WOULD HAVE ELECTED BUSH!…”

 page nine
 “…unless all the votes were counted”

 the
"Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.
Greed is right. Greed works”
Award

And the winner is…
Lawrence Kudlow

 “It isn’t the chic thing to say, but the most patriotic thing to do with the budget surplus is to give it to the people who deserve it, the people who it belongs to…
the rich.”

 The
Just a spoonful of sugar
makes the medicine go down”
award

And the winner is…
Jonathan Alter

 "In this autumn of anger, even a liberal can find his thoughts turning to ... torture. OK, not cattle prods or rubber hoses, at least not here in the United States, but something to jump-start the stalled investigation of the greatest crime in American history.... Some people still argue that we needn't rethink any of our old assumptions about law enforcement, but they're hopelessly 'Sept. 10' -- living in a country that no longer exists."

 the
"It's just my imagination.
Some people have flat feet. Some people have dandruff.
 I have this appalling imagination..."
award

And the winner is…
Roger Ailes

 “We are ‘Fair and Balanced’.
It’s our critics who are not fair and balanced.”

 the
“You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers.
These are people of the land.
The common clay of the New West.
You know - morons”
award

And the winner is…
Howard Kurtz

 “Now the question is: How many people still care about the election deadlock that last fall felt like the story of the century – and now faintly echoes like some distant Civil War battle?”

 the
"I try, I really try ... but when I see this girl of such a beautiful spirit suffer this indignity ... I just go BERSERK! ”
award

And the winner is…
Sam Donaldson

"I think (Jenna and Barbara) will grow up to be good solid citizens, and like all Bushes, one of them will become president of the United States someday."

 The
“sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand”
award

And the winner is…
Andrea Mitchell Greenspan

 January 25, 2001
"Phone lines cut, drawers filled with glue, door locks jimmied so that arriving Bush staff got locked inside their new offices…"

 May 19, 2001
General Accounting Office:
“No vandalism at the White House."

the
“what we have here is failure to communicate”
award

And the winner is…
Tony Snow

 June 4, 2001
"I carefully did not apologize for complaining about vandalism at the White House complex," he said. "Many of us knew that the White House stories were true; sources confirmed the goings-on in considerable detail, but kept mum because the President wanted to be nice to his predecessor... My suggestion to the hate e-mailers: Drop it. Before the White House starts releasing photos and phone records."

 May 19, 2001
General Accounting Office:
“No vandalism at the White House."

The
“beam me up, Scotty”
award

And the winner is…
Michelle Malkin

 “America was better when women didn’t have the right to vote. We should return to the natural order of things, where men are leaders and women are followers. Consider that, with this approach, we still would have had Reagan, but we would never have had Clinton.”

 The
“you’re not very bright, are you? I like that in a man”
award

And the winner is…
Bill Maher

 “Al Gore is a loser. Loser. Loser. Loser. Loser, loser, loser…”

 The
“sybil, I see no evidence your condition is improving”
award

And the winner is…
Linda Chavez

 Before withdrawing as Secretary of Labor nominee:
 
"I think organized labor, I think quite mistakenly, somehow thinks that I am going to be their worst nemesis."

 After withdrawing as Secretary of Labor nominee:
"Members of the media were calling me Big Labor's Worst Nightmare. And they were right!"

 special
“take off your pants.
now squeal, boy.
squeal like a pig”
citation

And the winner is…
Walter Isaacson

 Mr. Isaacson deserves special acknowledgement for crawling to Capitol Hill on his hands and knees in order to beg the right wing to forgive CNN for having been too liberal. When he was questioned what had transpired during his pilgrimage to the Shrine of DeLay (Fascism’s third holiest site), Isaacson lied, thereby proving that his conservative instincts come naturally. "I definitely did not say, 'How do we attract the conservative viewer?'" he insisted, his eyes ablaze with virtuous indignation. A GOP aide who was present reported that Isaacson had not only asked for advice on how to attract the conservative viewer, but had also promised to
“change the culture” at CNN.

 the
“Ah, but the strawberries! That's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic…”
award

And the winner is…
John Stossel

 “Liberals are afraid of me. They say they want me fired because I lie, but they’re really out to get me because they fear anyone who tells the truth.”

The
“I bring to you Ten Commandments…
Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness Against thy Neighbor…the lord’s wrath is truly terrible”
award

And the winner is…
Barbara Olson

 "Look at Bill Clinton's mother as opposed to George W.'s mother. Is your mother a barfly who gets used by men? Or is your mother a strong woman who demanded respect for her ideas and always received it?"

 the
"Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it"
award

And the winner is…
Dan Rather

 “But I couldn’t feel stronger, David, that this is a time for us, and I’m not preaching about it, George Bush is the President. He makes the decisions, and, you know, it’s just one American, wherever he wants me to line up, just tell me where. And he’ll make the call."

 the
“Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face”
award

And the winner is…
Andrew Sullivan

 “The middle part of the country - the great red zone that voted for Bush - is clearly ready for war. The decadent Left in its enclaves on the coasts is not dead - and may well mount what amounts to a fifth column.”

 The
“I’m forrest gump. People always call me forrest gump”
Award

And the winner is…
David Horowitz

 “The so-called riot that stopped the Miami-Dade recount was the most patriotic event
since the Boston Tea Party.”

And our final award…

 the
"Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home... We finally, really did it.
You maniacs! You blew it up!
Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
award

And the winner is…
David Brock

 Welcome back to Planet Earth, Dave.

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series

 


Last changed: December 13, 2009