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By David Podvin

When he created FOX News, Rupert Murdoch attached to it the slogan “Fair and Balanced”. From that day to this, FOX News has achieved amazing consistency when it comes to honoring that pledge. It is therefore only fair to use the identical standard when discussing Mr. Murdoch himself.

Rupert Murdoch left Australia as a young man. In the year prior to his departure, there had been several unsolved murders in the country. Ominously, in the year following his arrival in Great Britain, that nation also had several murders that the authorities were unable to solve. Tragically, exactly the same pattern recurred when he arrived in America.

Mr. Murdoch has been described as a man who is “aggressive and wily”. That would appear to be an understatement.

For years, Beatles’ fans have blamed Yoko Ono for the break up of the band. Yet a study of the chronology of the group reveals a different story. Ono began her relationship with John Lennon in 1966. In 1969, Murdoch bought the British newspaper “The Sun”. Less than one year later, the most popular band in the history of the world was gone forever. The Beatles had been able to survive the arrival of Ono, but the timing of Murdoch’s intrusive expansion into England’s divisive tabloid industry coincided with the imminent demise of the Fab Four. In the interest of fairness and balance, it has never been formally established that Murdoch’s desire to hide this fact from the public played a behind-the-scenes role in the assassination of Lennon. Mark David Chapman has never identified Rupert Murdoch as a co-conspirator in the shooting.

At least, not by name.

On July 29, 1974, Mama Cass Elliot died by choking on a ham sandwich. Hauntingly, this occurred in London, which was then the base of operations of one Mr. Keith Rupert Murdoch. Mr. Murdoch has been known to be litigious, so I will not reveal the identity of the individual who prepared that ham sandwich for Mama Cass. In the interest of being fair and balanced, I leave it to you to draw own conclusions.

In all likelihood, it was the same “unidentified” twisted multinationalist who, during the Carpenters’ British tour in the early 1970’s, was rumored to have kept whispering to Karen that her clothes looked too tight on her.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis never told anyone the name of the person who said to her, “Hey, when you and Jack are traveling on a sunny day, why don’t you ride in a convertible?”

Prior to their mass executions, the political establishment in Cambodia did not expose the identity of the guy who told them, “What your war ravaged country needs is a gentle leader who’s a uniter, not a divider. I’d like to introduce my friend, Pol Pot.”

Most poignantly, McLean Stevenson died without revealing who had advised him to establish a solo career by leaving MASH.

All of these people took their secrets to the grave, almost as though they were painfully aware that to tell everything they knew would invoke the wrath of a pitiless media sadist. What hound from Hell could have wrought all of this havoc? Be honest with yourself – what’s the first name that now comes to mind?

For an objective opinion about Rupert Murdoch, we must look to the one person who can always be expected to give a completely fair and balanced view of a man: his ex-wife. The former Mrs. Murdoch is a woman who might be described by some as possessing “remarkable restraint”. Despite the unspoken suspicions that could abound, she has never publicly confirmed that Murdoch frequently enjoys dressing up as Judy Garland and singing show tunes. Yet even a woman of her extraordinary discretion cannot entirely conceal what was rumored to be her “unspeakable” existence under the thumb of the man who has been seen talking to “young boys”.

Frequently, it is the implicit allegation that can be the most damning. When Congress held hearings on terrorism, Mrs. Murdoch was not in attendance. This could have been because she was not scheduled to attend. However, there is another, less innocent explanation. Did Mrs. Murdoch realize that to publicly acknowledge the horrible truth about her ex-husband’s private activities could potentially lead to her excruciating doom, a demise that might have been so appallingly gruesome that it could not in good conscience have even been described on these pages?

There is one word that no one can ever remember hearing Mr. Murdoch dare to utter in public. It is a word that is found in every English dictionary, yet this educated Australian-born titan of industry behaves as though it doesn’t exist. Or, perhaps, as though he desperately wishes it did not exist. The word is “lycanthropy”. It describes a condition that is more commonly known as “being a werewolf”.

Out of consideration for Mr. Murdoch’s reputation, and in order to be fair and balanced, let’s just leave it at that.

Investigators in the Jon Benet Ramsay murder have not directly linked Murdoch’s name to the slaying. However, as Sherlock Holmes once said, if a detective listed all of the people who did not commit the homicide, then only the murderer would be left. To this very day, Boulder police officials have never publicly put Mr. Murdoch on the list of suspects who have been cleared. Murdoch’s apparent strategy has been to remain silent on this potentially explosive issue. Needless to say, if it were ever proven that Mr. Murdoch was involved, directly or indirectly, in this or any other heinous crime, then it would certainly confirm the suspicions of anyone who had come to expect this type of thing from him.

Kenneth Starr explicitly cleared Bill Clinton of any involvement in the death of Vince Foster. Mr. Starr would not, or could not, do the same for Mr. Murdoch.

Kitty Genovese is a name that Rupert Murdoch rarely, if ever mentions. She was the woman who desperately screamed for help while she was slowly and brutally murdered on a New York street corner. Despite her cries of agony, no one was willing to even pick up the phone and call the police in order to save her life.

One of the people who did not call the police on behalf of Kitty Genovese was Rupert Murdoch. It is an incident about which he is apparently so consumed by shame that, at a recent social event over thirty years later, one observer noted that Mr. Murdoch seemed “subdued”.

In the interest of being fair and balanced, the Genovese situation is not a question of Mr. Murdoch doing something wrong. It is a matter of him not doing anything at all, having absolutely no involvement whatsoever. And isn’t that the problem with America today, people who just don’t get involved?

The Washington police are currently investigating the disappearance of congressional intern Chandra Levy. It is generally believed that the primary suspect is a man who calls himself by a first name that has two syllables, and whose last name also has two syllables. Do the math.

Several people with much to say about Rupert Murdoch refused to go on the record, implying the possibility that, in theory, they were terrified that he could conceivably use a machete to slash them into bite size pieces and then put them on the barbie. What type of multimedia fiend could possibly inspire such implicit dread? The answer is left to you, the reader.

This is not to suggest that no one has anything positive to say about Mr. Murdoch. In the interest of being fair and balanced…

I’m sorry. As Brit Hume has been known to say at moments just like this, it seems that we’ve run out of time.

Podvin Satire

Podvin, the Series


Last changed: December 13, 2009